Snarkmonster

Was asked to participate is someone's annual review.
I work pretty far away from this person and do not see this person....ever, basically, but we have contact via phone and email. And just to cover my ass, the person does not work in the same place as me, not even the same state, and that's about all I'll tell you about that....

I usually ace review writing, especially since Jamaal taught me this concept he learned in MBA school:
pet, kick, pet. It works wonders! Basically you do this: "Jim, we love having you as a part of our team. It's a shame your work is so substandard when compared to the rest of our employees. We love you so much though, and we want to give you another chance, so go out there and do something other than playing Angry Birds on your iPhone all day!"

I use the method all the time. People don't even realize you're scolding them half the time. Usually they just nod like a bobblehead. Too bad I have to send this review via email and can't see it happen in person.

Actually, the employee in question is, overall, an excellent one. But there are, uh, issues. I had to list this person's strengths and weaknesses. Here's what the review looked like:

Strengths: conscientious, attentive to detail, quick when responding to requests, dependable, accurate
Weaknesses: trouble multitasking, has to catch up after many sick days this year, hurt by odd data-processing mechanisms at office (though this is out of employee's control)

What I really wanted to write:

Strengths: perfectionist ad nauseum, able to write sinister email that sends people running to me for help, able to make someone switch their job because of negative interactions, able to make psychotic flow chart
Weaknesses: EXTREME PARANOIA, time-wasting due to perfectionism....and trouble multitasking.

but even the "pet kick pet" method wouldn't have softened the blow of "paranoia" lol.

Sometimes I wonder if I have "enemies" at the office and if my enemies had to partake in my review, what would they write?

I think it would be something like this:
Strengths: talking, typing, being someone's b*tch, multitasking (for real, I work 3 jobs here, 1 full time, 2 part time lol), calming people the f*ck down, monitoring the bathroom (long story) and bringing in holiday baked goods
Weaknesses: occasional bouts of extreme lassitude, eats at desk, tries to please everyone and often fails, messy desk, kills house plants, kills pet fish, prints too many personal documents on printer, goes to Tuesday meetings for the free breakfast......

.....um, I think I'll stop myself there...and reread what I wrote about that employee. Yikes! Self-criticism was hard enough to take, I can't imagine getting it from thousands of miles away. Lesson learned.

Seriously though, I wonder if someone at work can't stand me? If so, then I wonder why? I wonder what all my annoying work habits might be? None of my coworkers read this blog (I don't think...maybe they do in secret!) sadly, so I'll probably just continue to bug the hell out of everyone for years to come, lol. I wonder if other people on the project see me as a weak link in the chain. Uh, probably not, I work fairly hard..still though, this review thing has me wondering how others see my work and my role. Hmmmm. Something to think about for the weekend I guess!