Tuesday, December 30, 2008
I'm not sure why I can't sleep. I told Jamaal I feel thrashy, anxious, sad and lonely when I lie in bed. It's kind of pathetic. What I should really do is just listen to my iPod or breathe deeply or count sheep or some shit but instead I lie in bed and think and think and think and I can't stop thinking, and I always think about sad and bad things for some reason. I don't know - maybe my job is starting to get to me? Maybe that is it. Maybe.
I mean I don't meet a lot of the patients I enter into my database, but the world being all wired an internet-ed now, I do manage to track down a lot of personal information about them. Ok, don't get me wrong, I do NOT google patients EVER unless I suspect they are dead but have no record of their death in the social security database or medical record, because I look there first. A lot of times I'll get a short paragraph of an obit if they've died, but recently, I've read such personal things. I found one woman's blog, one woman who I'd really been mentally fighting for, one woman who overcame so many bouts of lymphoma just to bounce back every time. Other work had taken me away from following "my" patients for a while and I recently had to do some followup and came across her name. She had been in remission a year ago, and doing so well, and I was jarred to find her date of death in her medical record. What had happened? She ended up dying from complications of an allogeneic transplant, and it had been a long drawn-out illness, though she was not mentally present for the end, as a weird sort of encephalitis had made her mind wander far far away, to Indonesia, to China, as her husband wrote on her blog. He wrote about her dying too, in their house in Maine, on a dark and stormy night that knocked out their electricity, so she was surrounded by candles. I saw her pictures on the blog, I saw her kids, I felt almost as if I knew her.
It's really too much. It's way to personal. I can't know these things. It's hard enough reading the full page obits. While I hope I am written about as fondly as some of my patients are, I have a hard time getting through them - maybe because I knew how hard they were fighting to stay on top of their disease and to know that in the end they lost - it's so disappointing. I feel as though we failed, even though we really didn't, the hospital did all they could, it's bodies that surrender to illness, I feel the failure. Lately I guess I've had a hard time feeling the victory, which in truth far outweighs the failure. Maybe I am just in that annual state of slight depression that always surrounds New Year's, the passing of another year and remembering all that passed with it?
I don't know. I guess I need to stop googling my dead patients.
I also feel sad about Kenya. I don't know why. I worry about my friends there. Then I worry I'll never see it again. Then I get really really fucking sad. Why would I think this? WHY? There is no reason for me to think I'll never see Kenya again. I'm healthy, I'm young, and I'm marrying a guy with a very healthy sense of adventure and a penchant for making his lady happy. Why would a normal person even worry about never seeing a place that's not home again? I seriously wonder what's wrong with me sometimes when I think about it. I feel this sick feeling - like homesickness but not really because it's not my place. Then I get angry with myself for falling in love with Africa. Why didn't I fall in love with some place accessible, like effing British Columbia? Dammit emotions, dammit.
So that's the sad. The anxious. I have no idea. I'm not too much of an anxious person normally, but lately I've been feeling the gray hairs sprouting on my head. WTF am I anxious about? I don't care enough about work to be worrying about it, and honestly the economy isn't exactly keeping me up all night, because I still make the same crap pay that I made last year and have the same crap bills, plus $600 in loan payment each month, but what are you going to do? It's just life. Actually in a way it's reassuring to know that I can literally pay away more than I make in a week to just student loans and still remain fairly financially solvent. So that's not it. My boss asked me if I'm anxious about the wedding. It's too far away, it's too unplanned to worry about. Who knows. Maybe I'll find the underlying cause one of these days.
The lonely part is by far the most sad and pathetic and I don't even know if I want to write about it. I just lie there in an empty bed and feel this awful sense of singleness and aloneness and coldness. Lots of nesses. It's weird - I get along really well with my family- it's not like where four planets in the solar system, orbiting and trying to avoid each other, we seek out each other's company. Why do I feel this way at night when everyone's asleep (well not Amy, because she is awake and on her new sexy Mac) and I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep. I guess this is Jamaal's fault. I feel best and most relaxed and happy and not sad/anxious/depressed/thrashy/insomniac when I am lying next to him. I know that sounds uber pathetic and very teen girl and shit, but I can't help it, it's true. It's been nearly four years of dating, I'm starting to need him more (oh SAD SAD female) and dammit, I just want to get into bed with him and fall asleep and feel at peace. Oh, plus I'm cold ha ha ha. I'm serious. I need the warmth.
Thrashy? I don't know why I'm thrashy. Probably just bored.
Humph. I think this may have been a therapeutic post. I wonder if I'll sleep easier tonight.....
Gotta go check the clothes dryer though.
Good night all three of my readers in blogland. Mad love.
I just wrote a slightly ridiculous and very overemotional comment on my entry to win tickets to the inauguration.
Who does that?!
I mean, it was honest, by all means, but you know someone who is processing these emails in some back office somewhere will like, cackle, with the ridiculous emotion of it all.
Good thing I didn't admit to CRYING on election night. Then they probably would've printed my email and tacked on the "Bulletin Board of Tools"
Ha ha ha, I guess the good thing out of all of this is that I can laugh at myself, right?
Bwahahahaa. As we would've sung at Smith "EEEEEEEE-moooootionaaaaallll" (Bjork - Joga)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I just want to be done with work for the week and head home to knock of the remaining items on my to do list and hang out and CELEBRATE! I'm like a kid at school knowing that there are only a few short hours until Christmas vacation and I can't concentrate on anything the teacher says because I'm watching that clock.
Of course there is a LOT to do at work. I hate my job most when I have nothing to do and I sit here, useless, reading blogs or updating flickr or some sh*t all day. Then all of the sudden, an avalanche of worked is dumped on me. I do excel under pressure, but when you add the holiday season to it, I feel like my head is spinning around! It's funny because sometimes I feel bad because my coworkers have a steady stream of constant work that may become more or less intense at one point or another, but it stays pretty even. My job has become feast or famine. While I used to feel bad about blogging during the work day (ahem) I don't feel so bad anymore because recently one of my coworkers acknowledged one such "feast" time, asking me "what the hell are you doing that is causing you to sweat?!"
Anyway, the work stuff will get done. I'm here for another 4 hours and I'm pretty optimistic that I'll get an impressive lot done before I leave for the rest of the week (oh happy day!). The trick will be getting Christmas stuff done. Luckily the gifts are done, except friend gifts, but I won't see them til after the holidays. I just have some ornaments to finish up for the family, though they're not really part of their gifts, they just saw them and I think liked them. Well ok, I know my grandma did, she mentioned them a couple of times and asked "sooooo.......who are those for again?" which also means "sooooo....can you make me one?" She deserves it though, more than deserves it, as she made yet another faberge egg ornament for my collection, even though she had a positively wretched spell of health this fall (kidney stones, stomach issues, now gallstones - she's getting her gallbladder resected January 9th - I really hope it helps and the recovery is shorter than last January's rotator cuff repair!) I will have to post a picture of it, it's amazing and the cut out work she did was really fantastic. I keep meaning to make myself her apprentice, and one of these days I will just have to so I can learn the art. Of course she can paint and draw and I can't do that for sh*t, but I think I could design fairly nice stuff if I know the technique. I'll have to ask her....hmm....another to add to the to do list!
So the color-coded to do list was freakin' brilliant. It really helped a ton. Of course I have now gone and added to it, and some green things have become red items, but I am impressed with how well it worked, and how many major things I was able to accomplish, and I seriously credit the list because I think they might have been forgotten otherwise. Now I'm down to some last minute items, making a couple phone calls, scooting down to a stitch shop in Plymouth to buy my mom some last minute things for her Christmas gift (fabric, thread....of course that's just fun stuff, not really a "task") Buy some items for a Christmas centerpiece....I was looking for a colonial design, you know, the old style pineapple, apple, pomegranate type pyramid with cloved oranges and stuff? I had almost no luck. You would think the power of google would've helped with this a bit. I consulted my magazine clippings binders last night as well as my back issues of Martha Stewart Living Holiday special edition issues and came across a contemporary piece with kumquats, blood oranges, clementines, lemons and grapefruit. It rocks. Of course now I'm second-guessing myself about the potential holiday-ness quality of the centerpiece. Seriously? Will anyone except me give a sh*t. NO. But I am stressing over it nonetheless, very typical. Ohhh wellll.
What else is up? Hmm. We have a craft marathon scheduled for tonight. My sister and I plan to be up until the wee hours crafting (she has some stuff to get done by tomorrow night) and I am going to procure snacky snacks. This will be fun. Of course I will probably do the classic Christmas Eve routine: eat too many appetizers, get drunk on Poinsettias, and then fall asleep at 11. I'm cool though, it's one of my favorite nights of the year. Hell, it pretty much IS my favorite night of the year, the only thing missing is Jamaal! Luckily we are spending New Year's together and going out to what sounds like a fantastic restaurant. Their three course pre-fixe menu sounds.......a-maz-ing. Ok now I'm just rambling on......
I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully with craft pics!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Anyways, the dreams were too exhausting to relive in detail here, but I do have a summary. Here goes:
1. Mysteriously thrown out of house wrapped only in a comforter.
2. Get in car in comforter because I have to go to work. Never fear! I will get on train, take to Prudential, go to ATL and buy a new outfit. Oh, several actually, because while driving, I remembered I was leaving for a trip to NYC after work.
3. Realize comforter has no pockets. How will I buy clothes with no credit card? Also - will they let me on the train dressed like this?
4. Dream gets fuzzy. Suddenly at work where I am working for a doctor in the lymphoma clinic on Cutting Edge Research.
5. Cutting Edge Research so Cutting Edge that Indiana Jones is here to protect it for us!
6. Get kidnapped by Indiana Jones's nemeses, want Cutting Edge genetic research, willing to KILL ME for it. Indiana Jones disappears. Jerkstore.
7. Taken home, where I am held hostage for Research.
8. Go to bed, I am tired. Hostage holders all around.
9. Get a text from Dr. Brown (doctor I am supposedly working for, who really works at my office) She was kidnapped too, I know this. She has her cell!
10. Open phone. Suddenly has red font and leopard print background. Ugh, hostage takers have infiltrated my cell network.
11. Text says "Ready to be poisoned by dye" Ha ha ha I am punny in my dreams!
12. Go down stairs. My parents are painting pottery with a poisonous dye that will infiltrate the house with chemical gases once the items are put in the oven. My parents want to kill me! Will they profit from Cutting Edge (stolen) Research?!
13. I realize my parents have been brainwashed. My dad still has some of his rationale, tries to stop my mom from painting the pottery. Aww, dad. Someone says "call the police on your cell" but I am like "uh NO the bad guys have infiltrated my cell!!! It will never work! WE ARE BEYOND HOOOOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
14. Just as we're trying to resolve this, I physically feel myself waking up and losing the dream. In the dream, I am so so happy, thinking "sweet. almost done, she's almost awake, coming out of it."
15. I wake up for real and am all WTF?! Then I see the clock and am all WTF?! for real as it is 7! Yikes, late for work.....
16. Get out of bed and immediately fall down because my feet have fallen asleep. Pathetic. I am also dizzy. Probably from the poison fumes, LOL.
So that was that. How deranged. Not surprising I am totally exhausted today. Risked gastrointestinal revolt for coffee because I could not stay awake. I fell asleep on the shuttle before it even left the station! Luckily my prilosec is working awesome because I have not had heartburn (knock on wood) for more than 24 hours. Such a relief.
Anyways. What else? Oh. I am being a bad person and skipping book club. I just am not feeling it at all. I am freakin' tired, broke, didn't read the book, and have a crap ton to do and going out to Cambridge on top of all that hurts my blood. Also my car broke again, and I have to see to that tonight, so I do have a legit excuse. Of course I am overwrought with guilt about it, even though I've made a bunch of the meetings pretty consistently. Mehhhh.
Also, I have to print up a bunch of pictures tonight. I thought they were on my Picasa at work, but I think I accidentally deleted all the picture filed on my computer when I tried to move all my music from my ipod to my itunes (which I did successfully!). Anyways, only one picture came up after a whole computer scan, but it's a nice holiday-ish one I guess, and the stamp that will be featured on Christmas cards:
I love this little guy. I took this probably last January or February out the kitchen window. I have a 2x converter on my camera, but the doubler sometimes fuzzes thing out, and I was surprisingly happy with the clarity on this one. It's far from perfect, but it looked fantastic on the postage stamps, so I'm willing to settle for fantastic postage :)
Monday, December 15, 2008
Anyways, my weekend was only half productive. While I got a decent amount done, hours and hours worth of work had to be put in behind the computer, and that got frustrating - especially when shutterfly logged me out of my account and deleted my entire project. It's cool though, cause I finished and it has already shipped out, thank goodness. I'm not going to go into detail about it because it's for my sister for Christmas and a surprise, but it involves pictures. As I was looking at the final product again today, I noticed I had used this little gem of a shot:
This is the State Police Christmas Party at the Foxborough Barracks, and it looks to be Christmas 1985. Santa would land in a helicopter and come and give us gifts that our parents had bought and wrapped (I was so slow on the uptake too, I always wondered how Santa got the gifts there cause he definitely didn't have them in the helicopter. I believed in magic and sh*t to though, so obviously that was that.)
What I love about this pictures is the expression of pure disdain on my sister's face. My mom is all "Honey that's Santa! He's come to bring you presents!!" While Amy is like "No, this is a stranger in a fake beard, and no, I will NOT sit on his lap!"
Smart kid ;)
I also love her little maryjanes and the hand-knitted cap she's wearing. So cute. The face is what makes the picture though, totally.
I'll have more after Christmas, when the secret's been revealed!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
(from kari on alittlebitpregnant.com's pants contest)
I'd just gotten the assignment I'd been working for: I was going to work for my company's London branch! Woo hoo!
Unfortunately, I arrived a few days earlier than my bags. And I'm American-sized--I'm over six feet tall. But I was desperate--my first day of work was the next day. So I went into Marks and Spencer's and found the first saleswoman I could find.
"Do you have any long khaki pants?" I asked.
The fine fine cultured British woman looked down her nose at me (impressive as she was six inches shorter) and with stiff jaw and nasal sigh, intoned, "I believe you mean khahh-ki trouserrrrs."
Sure whatever, I just need clothes. I found a skirt that would do, but I was confused by her attitude. I asked my new coworkers the next day, and as I got to the part of the story where I asked for the khaki pants, the British coworkers started tittering.
Turns out, the American pronunciation of khaki — sort of like "cack-y" — sounds remarkably like slang for "shit-filled".
And "pants"? In England, those are underwear.
So I had asked for long, sh*t-filled underwear.
Apparently, Marks and Sparks do NOT carry those.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
SO the library. I got stuck on two books last month, thus my sad finish to 100 ish books in a year. I mean I won't do 100 but I am going to come pretty damn close. If only I hadn't been stymied by the Ordeal of Elizabeth Marsh and My Sister, My Love. Don't get me wrong, these were great, they were just extremely hard to get into and incredibly complex in style, respectively. I will (WILL!) pick them up again, but my mind is a bit too scattered to follow right at the moment.
Anyways, I consulted Ye Olde Palm Pilot for my list of books. I am really cheap because it will basically take moving a mountain to get me to buy a book - it must meet one of the following criteria 1. I read it and it was so awesome I must buy it so I can read it again and again and again. Notable books: classics (especially Dover Thrift Edition ones) Dogs of Babel, Sea Glass, The Last Time They Met, Poisonwood Bible (read it once a year, feel the need to reread soon), Prodigal Summer (read every spring to welcome in the season), Year of Wonders, Daughter of Fortune, the Nick Bantok Griffin and Sabine books, No. Ladies Detective Agency books, etc. 2. I am going on vacation and need something to read. Notable books: Eat, Pray, Love, The Birds of Costa Rica, The Birds of Kenya. 3. The price is right. Notable books: Beside a Burning Sea, The Audacity of Hope, The Life of Birds. 4. It sounds so fantastically wonderful that I have thought about it the entire time I've been wandering around the book store and now must purchase it before I leave because otherwise the fact that I have not purchased this book will haunt me forever. Notable books: I can't think of any. Which is why the following is important...
I love the library. It's an obsession. Because I am cheap and fickle it is the ideal place for me,and in addition to supporting my local community, my own mother's job, and being raised by a librarian, I use it because I have practically the entire world at my fingertips for FREE.
Sometimes, and this is super dorky, I get into a frenzy when I'm there. Like yesterday, for example. I went in to get five specific books - five because that's a manageable amount to read. Ok, I went to get six, technically, but one was a knitting book. I go to the non fiction craft section to look at the scarf book I wanted and see its companion shawl book. Ooooh bonus. Then I sauntered over to the new fiction. I see the new Jennifer Weiner book and grab it, because I needed some chickie lit. Then I go over to the new non-fiction. Ohhh that sounds good, oh and that! Oh and the book I've wanted to read forEVER! Oh! OH! OH! Suddenly my five books have grown to a stack so large I have to steady it with my chin as I walk to the check out desk. I said to my librarian "Um. Wow. Got a little excited with the books." She laughed and said "Well. You do know they're free, right?" and laughed. I just hope the five I put my name in for don't come too quickly. Oh, and that's another thing. Frickin' INTERLIBRARY LOAN. It is glorious. Of course some libraries are bitchy and protect their newer books, but I can wait as loooong as I need til they're unprotected. I can bide my time for months while all my other holds are filled. I live in a small-ish town that has a beautiful but not huge library. With an ILL system that includes two colleges and World Cat, I am unlimited. Completely unlimited. It totally rocks.
Sigh. Blogging about the library just put me in the happiest mood. As Austin Powers would say "Nerd Alert!" :) That's ok, it just makes me a stronger Jeopardy contestant anyways!
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
The weekend helped. Though I got NOTHING accomplished except spending money on stuff. Yikes! The good thing is that I made it to this point in the week not entirely broke despite my uncertain student loan consolidation process. Oh well.
Now I have big plans for next weekend. Quite a bit of sewing to do, some definite knitting, lots of baking. I'm wondering if I can freeze the gifts for my coworkers and take them out in a couple weeks and still have them taste good. hmmmm. I am definitely making cookies for the blood donor clinic staff too, which should be a hit! I'll be up for my 44th donation on the 22nd, the week of Christmas and the beginning of Hanukkah sooooo that'll be good timing too.
Hurray, I have made it passed the "I am depressed and angry and anxious" hump to "I LOVE CHRISTMAS" LOL. EE, my brain totally needs to be integrated.
Tonight, after I work late because my coworker caught me coming in late, Ame and I are off to Old Navy for our 2nd Annual Giving Tree BuyFest where we purchase incredibly adorable kid stuff for the names Ame picked off the Giving Tree at her office. While some kids ask for toys, we usually pick the kids who need clothes, because as two 20-somethings sans offspring AND rent, it's not a big deal for us to go out and buy a winter coat for a kid, unlike someone with a family and 2+ kids to clothe and feed. Even though the budget is tight this year, Old Navy usually has some great deals and we can get the kid a big ol' pile of clothes for short money. Plus I have my handy Old Navy charge, zip zip. After that, we're heading to $5 night at the movies. Quantum of Solace or Twilight? I have to admit, I am in the mood for a teen film, though I wouldn't exactly say no to Daniel Craig. Yummmmm.
Ok this post is pointless except to say "blah blah I have a plan".....BUT......I HAVE A PLAN! I AM IN CONTROL! AWESOMENESS!
Friday, December 05, 2008
For Christmas she is off to Zambia for a horseback safari.
While I love and adore Christmas in New England, this year the stress, the frenetic commutes from work trying to share a space with crazed commuters, holiday tourists, and the "I travel to the city but once a year to Christmas shop," the demands at work, the demands of family (though none of them unreasonable by any means, simply existing) the commitments and parties, well, they have made me just tired. And I guess a bit forlorn. I want to go home and pull the covers over my head and sleep. And I love this time of year. I'm not a holiday hater that bitches and moans about this part of the season. I've lost hold of my optimism. Hopefully it's only temporary.
Anyways, I became overwhelmed with jealousy at a safari holiday. It just sounds so wonderful and lovely and wild and new.
Maybe I need something new?
I guess I don't really have a point except to say, I'd rather be in Africa.
I think if I won the lottery (maybe I should buy a ticket) the first thing I would do is quit my job and go on a long-ass vacation (SAFARI!), wherein I decide who will benefit from my new found wealth. Hospital in Kenya, of course. Friends out of student debt, of course. Family mortgages paid, land on Bear Island purchased and put in permanent trust under our family's names. Lots and lots of good deeds done. Ha ha my save the world foundation finally in place. I'd spend all my time fixing things. It'd be great.
Ah well. At least I have a pleasant weekend planned. A lot of alone time doing Christmas projects, and then some holiday party socialization that should be fun. Yankee swaps and such. And I'm so not taking work home this weekend! ha!
Signing off from my pointless post now....
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Yep, Ame and I hit up matinee night for Australia.
It was fantastic.
Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a heady and intense film that requires you to think or is even particularly believable. It is 2 hours and 45 minutes of blockbuster sensationalism. After 4 fillings though, I didn't want to have to think. I wanted to kick back, relax, gum some popcorn and candy as best I could and just enjoy the show, and that I did. It rocked. Of course I am biased towards WWII era movies, especially ones that take place in the South Pacific, a la A Town Like Alice and Paradise Road, but those were actually based on fact. In this case, I just let myself just get carried away by the whole story and decided not to question any of the plot at all, and that's what made everything so fun. Is it realistic? Oh I so doubt it. Is it entertaining? HELLS YES. Will I see it again with anyone who may want to go? UM TOTALLY.
If you want action, a little romance, ridiculously gorgeous scenery, a little old style good triumphing over evil type storyline, and even some humor, see it. Just know that you're not going in there to see Atonement. Oh wait, this end better anyways. And as a person who has a penchant for dramas that end badly (usually with the death of the main character, the main character's love interest, or permanent separation from a person or place) I liked a good ending for a change :D
Monday, December 01, 2008
I'm scheduled to have about 5 surfaces of my mouth drilled tomorrow. It's going to suck. I know it's only an hour of my life, but for someone who passionately hates the dentist, it's pretty stress-inducing. My friend EE brain integrated me so I feel less physical anxiety about it, which is great, but it's still a nagging presence.
I've had unreal heartburn for about two weeks.
There's the money sh*t that I don't even want to talk or think about, exacerbated by the additional $300 I owe for car repairs. Yup, more car repairs.
Finally, there's the fact that this weekend, for I swear the first time, Jam mentions his graduation in May. Wha? When did I miss that? I thought his graduation was later, closer to the completion of his program in fall 2009. Normally, this would be fine except it is the exact same day as my cousin's graduation. Four hours later than my cousin's ceremony....and three hours away. So unless my cousin's graduation is an hour long, there's no way in hell I'll ever make it. My aunt rented out half an Inn in NH this past October in anticipation for graduation, and I was all excited about it because it wasn't my reunion weekend. Which meant for once I would not be overextended or forced to make a shitty decision about friends who are like family and family. I was FREEEEE. Then this whole issue comes up.
I feel just awful. I know being all emotional is not like, the MOST mature way to deal with this, but I feel so torn. On the one hand, my cousin and the fam told me first, have paid for hotel arrangements, and have more solid plans. On the other hand Jam is my fiance, my future husband, and how the fuck does it look to everyone that his fiancee can't show?? WTF? On the other hand my cousin come to my undergrad and grad school ceremonies, and I will feel terrible if I just blow him off like that, even though I know he'd probably be cool about it, plus Jam thinks there's a fast track ceremony at the end of the program. But I don't know for sure. I hate this. I fucking hate this so much. I can't tell you how many times I have been stuck trying to make these shitty ass decisions. When my other cousin graduated, it was my two year reunion. I missed basically everything at reunion, but did the "right thing" and was at my cousin's ceremony. I have to choose between birthdays and holidays and it f8cking SUCKS. This is just a decision I do not want to have to make. Jam says he's cool with it, but I can tell in his voice that it's not really cool. I can only imagine the comments he'd get too. Plus all the other students will probably have family and friends there, then there'll be him just standing there alone. It sucks.
Sometimes I hate my effing life and all the shit I have to do. I know I'm really lucky to have all these family members and friends and a great fiance and all, but seriously? These issues are not cool.