Monday, December 01, 2008

Distress. And it SUCKS.

Yikes I am stressed out. Which at this late hour has turned to weepiness.

I'm scheduled to have about 5 surfaces of my mouth drilled tomorrow. It's going to suck. I know it's only an hour of my life, but for someone who passionately hates the dentist, it's pretty stress-inducing. My friend EE brain integrated me so I feel less physical anxiety about it, which is great, but it's still a nagging presence.

I've had unreal heartburn for about two weeks.

There's the money sh*t that I don't even want to talk or think about, exacerbated by the additional $300 I owe for car repairs. Yup, more car repairs.

Finally, there's the fact that this weekend, for I swear the first time, Jam mentions his graduation in May. Wha? When did I miss that? I thought his graduation was later, closer to the completion of his program in fall 2009. Normally, this would be fine except it is the exact same day as my cousin's graduation. Four hours later than my cousin's ceremony....and three hours away. So unless my cousin's graduation is an hour long, there's no way in hell I'll ever make it. My aunt rented out half an Inn in NH this past October in anticipation for graduation, and I was all excited about it because it wasn't my reunion weekend. Which meant for once I would not be overextended or forced to make a shitty decision about friends who are like family and family. I was FREEEEE. Then this whole issue comes up.

I feel just awful. I know being all emotional is not like, the MOST mature way to deal with this, but I feel so torn. On the one hand, my cousin and the fam told me first, have paid for hotel arrangements, and have more solid plans. On the other hand Jam is my fiance, my future husband, and how the fuck does it look to everyone that his fiancee can't show?? WTF? On the other hand my cousin come to my undergrad and grad school ceremonies, and I will feel terrible if I just blow him off like that, even though I know he'd probably be cool about it, plus Jam thinks there's a fast track ceremony at the end of the program. But I don't know for sure. I hate this. I fucking hate this so much. I can't tell you how many times I have been stuck trying to make these shitty ass decisions. When my other cousin graduated, it was my two year reunion. I missed basically everything at reunion, but did the "right thing" and was at my cousin's ceremony. I have to choose between birthdays and holidays and it f8cking SUCKS. This is just a decision I do not want to have to make. Jam says he's cool with it, but I can tell in his voice that it's not really cool. I can only imagine the comments he'd get too. Plus all the other students will probably have family and friends there, then there'll be him just standing there alone. It sucks.
Sometimes I hate my effing life and all the shit I have to do. I know I'm really lucky to have all these family members and friends and a great fiance and all, but seriously? These issues are not cool.

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