Disjointed, Tumbling Aimlessly Through the Universe

I have felt super-scattered lately. AGAIN.

I totally go through these phases...I think with the changing of the seasons.

I get disorganized at work, SUPER-disorganized.

I eat junk food...don't exercise...pay bills at the last minute because I forget about them till their due date.

It's totally disastrous. The thing is that it's not caused by feeling happy or sad or depressed...it's almost entirely from being lazy. From being so scattered that I have to work double time to concentrate, then it's almost as if there's no room in my brain to fit in other junk. Like bills.

I so long to be one of those super-organized girls I knew in college - you know, the girls with very clean rooms, matching carpet and comforter, cool but organized art on the wall, desk accessories and color-coded folders for each of their classes? You know those girls, right? Ok I knew two. Maybe three. I wish I could channel them now.

I think with work, life, relationship, fitness, money, and wedding thoughts all swirly in my head, I can't keep things in order. It's so bad. I think if I could just make a schedule, make up my mind, I'd be on track. Argh!

I also kinda feel like I don't know what the heck I'm doing with myself half the time. I'm in this cycle of waking, going to work, going home and trying to get xyz accomplished, sleep, begin again. I feel like I need a kick in the rear to DO SOMETHING.

On the way home from NYC this weekend, someone was nice enough to leave an InTouch Magazine in the seat pocket of our Regional Service Amtrak train. I flipped through it, delighting particularly in the "Who Wore It Better" section I normally get to enjoy only at the nail salon. Then I noticed my horoscope. Under Aries it said something to the effect "You will (need to?) embark on a solo journey out of your comfort zone."

Hmmm. Suddenly it seemed so right. I feel this odd need to do something monumental by myself. Don't ask me why. Maybe it's because I haven't done anything like that in a while. I mean, to a certain degree, I am flying solo every day, but as far as monumental tasks go, I haven't done something like that in forever. Everything I do is with coworkers, friends, the fiance, family. I need to have a solo-experience where I can do some soul-searching I think.

See I love having secret experiences. When I was in Africa, I had tons - tons of these little moments that I only I witnessed. It was so easy - I would get up early and go for a long long walk on the edge of the property and see all kinds of things. One morning I saw an African Paradise Flycatcher, one of the most beautiful birds I'd ever seen. One night I got sick and had to stay up with one of our askaris, Frederick. I wasn't alone, but the two of us sat there under an enormous sky and listened to the night sounds of the Masai Mara. Nothing was common or mundane or routine.

Of course Kenya isn't exactly Massachusetts, and you have to search a little for mystery around here, but even when I came home, I was still privy to these kinds of things. As a plover monitor, I spent looong long days on a beach shut down by an oil spill. Long days alone, full of wonder. Even collecting mosquitoes - ok, far less romantic - but long days, alone, doing my own thing.

Now? Yup, I'm in a rut. I remind myself of that line (does that make sense?) in "Next Stop Wonderland" where the mother says to Erin "We're always alone!" and she says "No, we're never alone, you're always surrounded by all these people."
I so get that.

I find myself suddenly jealous of these solo journeys I read about. I just finished "A Pearl in the Storm" by fellow Smith alum Tori Murden. It was beyond fantastic, but I found myself envious of Murden. Despite all of the horrible things that happened during her first solo attempt to row solo across the Atlantic, she got to see so many secrets of the open ocean.

Um. Not that I want to row the Atlantic.
Still though.
I need some alone time.
OK, I need to get organized, then I need alone time.
Phew.

I was thinking of going to the women's lambing weekend at the Heifer Project Farm in Rutland MA. I really wanted to go with someone I knew, but maybe I need to do this on my own. Birth a little lambkin. See what it's like. Soul-search. All that crap. Maybe I will feel like I have my biz together? Hmm. Probably not. But it would be fun to birth a baby lamby-kin.

Ugh. Anyways. Wedding Wednesday Tomorrow. I will have some good stuff to post this week, no ranting and raving, I promise!



Secret Zebra. LOL. I need my head examined. THE END.