Monday, January 08, 2007

2. Fess Up

Ahhh I took a long blogging break there. It's because my Great Aunt Elinore passed away. Or died because "passed away" is an annoying term. The person died. As in DEAD, DEATH. No need to pretty it up! Anyways, my auntie died and there was just not too much to say about it. I actually wanted to write a nice tribute to her, but I'm not ready yet (because I need a picture, which means I'll have to 1. find one of her, which will be hard 2. scan it, which is tricky because I am lazy). For now we'll leave at this: she was awesome - 95 years old and living in her own house. She was independent and feisty to the very end, and we'll miss her, but I'm glad my Grandma Kitty has someone to hang with again, as they were fairly inseparable when GK was alive.

Anyways, it's confession time according to my book.

Here are some confessions:

1. I crap in the work bathroom. Now that's not really anything scandalous, but few people would confess that they actually do it, kind of like peeing in the shower, which I have done before, but not with anywhere near the regularity with which I crap at work. I DO. I AM A WORK CRAPPER.
2. I pick my nose from time to time. Ok, this is so foul and germy, I totally understand. But I have allergies and the nostrils, they get clogged. Sometimes I have a nostril emergency and must evacuate. This is especially true in places with a lot of dirt - in Africa, we all picked our noses. They don't really have kleenex in pocket packs over there, snot rockets are a way of life, and when there's a lot of dirt up there, you do what you need to.
3. I tend to be a non-violent person. I don't kill bugs in my house if I can help it. I wouldn't hit a child unless they did something dangerous. As a rule, I hate hunting and guns make me nervouse. That being said, my father bought a 10 gauge automatic shotgun yesterday. He let me hold it and I raised it to my shoulder and looked down the barrel. I was overcome with a feeling of power and felt slightly god-like "the power of life and death lies in my hands." In that moment, I wanted to do something I thought I never would: learn how to shoot a gun and kill defenseless animals. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!
4. Sometimes I drive rudely on purpose simply to uphold the reputation that Massachusetts drivers are a**holes.
5. I farted in the middle of the transcendentalist exam in 10th grade. It was me. I confess. I also fart on the train and at work. Often. I'm sure this isn't a real confession cause people know I do it.
6. Sometimes after I go to the gym, I go to the store and buy a coke and a Snicker's bar, cause hey, I earned it! Luckily I stopped buying Drake's pies after I found out they contained 90% of your daily saturated fat. That's just gross.
7. I hit the garage with my car waaaaaay more times than I actually admitted.
8. I wear pants that say "dry clean only" nearly every day (not the same pair, many pairs that are dry clean only.) Truth is, unless I get something obvious on them, they're only dry-cleaned about twice a year. ewww!
9. While on the bus or train, I put my headphones in my ears and pretend to listen to my iPod while I really listen to other people's conversations. So far I have heard about: the entire mental history of several psych ward patients at a nearby hospital (thank you, ladies on peter pan bus) and who really robbed a local restaurant, in addition to countless diatribes against various people, ranging from the president right down to so and so's ex boyfriend.
10. I have voted Republican. It's true. I did it because I can't commit to either party - they're both evil.

There are my 10 confessions. No murders, no robberies, pretty mundane stuff. Maybe I'll go do something bad later to convince myself I lead a wild and crazy life, but probably not, hahahah.

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