Thursday, October 19, 2006

Ride the Wave

ugh. I feel these blog posts are a rollercoaster - one second I'm up on high, the next second I'm down. I guess it's kind of an accurate picture of how I've been these days, yet there seem to be so many more rock bottoms than highs.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so out of it all the time. I'm incredibly tired, that's part of the problem, and I'm unhappy at work and unhappy at school. I guess I'm just kind of a miserable person these days!

I try to give myself a peptalk on the way to work. I get behind the wheel of my car and say to myself "ok. it's early. the whole day is out there. today I'm gonna do xyz at work, then come home and do a, b, c" but deep down I know I'm only gonna get x done at work because the majority of the time I'll spend staring at a computer screen or flipping through a medical record absentmindedly. Why? because my head is pounding and my eyelids are drooping and when it comes down to it I just. don't. care. enough. When I get home I'll bet a and maybe b done. This is better than usual, but at home there are a billion things to distract me. We never eat at a regular time (not my family's fault really, it's just the way things are) so it's impossible to plan on doing something. If I want to go to the gym at 7, guaranteed it's bad timing because dinner is 15 minutes from being done. If I sit down when I get home at 6:30 to do school stuff, it's inevitable that some family member will summon me at 6:40 to ask about/for something. It seems like there just aren't enough hours in the day.

Not getting crap accomplished makes me feel so disorganized. I hate that. I don't feel like I have anything together, and I find myself with a schedule that is busier than it was during the "busy" summer months, so I have no recovery time on the weekend to get sh*t done. That means sh*t is being pushed to weekdays.

I hate living like this, disorganized and disjointed and all down. I do perk up for somethings, it's not like I'm totally depressed or anything. I have a lot of fun hanging out with my sister and doing stupid stuff to make her laugh, and time with boyfriend is always well spent. I don't see my friends as much as I'd like to, but sometimes the thought of staying in Boston (where most of them live) one extra minute longer than I have to seems like torture.

Anyways, I'm banking on the semester's end and the holidays to turn my mood around. Maybe then I'll be able to catch up on some sleep and not feel like I need to go to bed for three days straight to be normal again, I hate the feeling. I hate falling asleep every free moment I have, on the shuttle bus, on the mbta bus, on the subway. It doesn't feel right or normal, I don't feel right or normal. I feel like I'm moving underwater. And I just want it to STOP, but alas, I have no idea how. Boo.

Well this whiny post is officially over. blah.

Am I the sleeping beauty or the witch??
I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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