Thursday, September 22, 2005

free yourself from the boss oppression

SO. A bunch of people I know have horrible horrible bosses. Horrible ones. Ones that are demeaning, demoralizing, play mind games, are verbally abusive, have psychoses and are not medicated for them and use their employees as personal therapists, etc. They are mostly women (well all women, but I hate to place the blame solely on women because I have heard some horror stories about male bosses and had a boss when I was 16 or so who I worked for for about 2 weeks and he could have won the asshole of the decade award. But then again, combined with his wife, they could've one the assholes of the century award). Anyways, these women are powerhungry bitches. Seriously! They probably had to work really hard to rise through the ranks and break the glass ceiling or skylight or whatever the crap they call it and resist the hegemonic patriarchal binary, but honestly, what good is that when you rise to the top and everybody hates your f*cking guts? Are you really that happy you've were such a big twat and got promoted to the top and now you have no friends? I don't know. I will say that I am extraordinarily lucky because my boss is NOTHING like this at all (instead I have the coworkers from the seventh layer of HELL). So I know hope exists. But for my dear friends, they still sit at their desks with the hunched backs of oppression. To ease the pain, I have drawn them pictures. This latest one comes in the wake of a tirade sent via email to a friend (as well as the entire department) when said friend decided to take a second sick day (to which she was more than entitled, she is quite sick) and OH NO! GOD FORBID! Left a message, a MESSAGE at the office instead of TALKING TO A REAL PERSON!!! She should have been flogged in front of the entire company at dusk. Instead she received this:

"Somewh&re along the line !t seems to have been f0rg0tten that when you call !n sick, y0u @re supp0se (aha GRAMMAR MISTAKE...dumb b0ss) t0 call int0 the 0ffice when there @re l!ve human be!ngs here t0 speak t0 -- in 0ther w0rds, d0n't leave a message 0n some0ne's v0icemail pri0r t0 the start 0f the w0rk day (something that is accepted as the standard here!!). N0 0NE WILL EVER QUESTI0N WHEN S0MEONE CALLS IN SICK (then why is it so f*cking imp0rtant t0 talk t0 a live pers0n?). AND EVERY0NE IS ENTITLED T0 S!CK DAYS. But it is necessary t0 speak with your supervis0r to tell them y0u are n0t coming in rather than saying, this is my cell and y0u can reach me here later (you're starting to ramble here, sister). We d0n't want t0 b0ther y0u when y0u are sick (bullshit), but we d0 want t0 kn0w if there is anything we sh0uld be f0ll0wing up 0n in your absence (translation: we want to be able to log on to your computer, read all your email and see what work you're not doing), especially if it turns 0ut that you might be 0ut more than just 0ne day (though if you are, it might be time to start looking for a new j0b).
Let's remember this for the future (translation: listen up, you f*cking dumb minions). And, remember my b0ss expects me t0 speak t0 her when I am 0ut sick (I live under a veil of boss induced 0ppressi0n als0, but mask it my lording power over my sub0rdinates), so I expect the same courtesy from you all (cause I want to take over this company and it's the only way I can do it, by being mean to people, that is). "

Seriously, what flew up this woman's ass and died? Jesus. Powermongering bosses, it's a disgrace. As you can imagine my friend was quite upset and had to reply with a very long explanation about how she DID talk to someone in person that morning who said that she would pass the message to the boss, etc etc etc. IT's sad. Anyways, to console her, I drew a likeness of her boss. It's in its preliminary stages, but I will post it here anyways:

That's her. The evil one. She's green.

This is a picture of my boss in comparison:

This is no way resembles my boss, cept the blue eyes and hair color, but I think her general personality is captured here.

I'll do my coworkers later. Cause right now I have to take a crap. And my bathroom now has a doorlock with a code, so you need to leave your office a few minutes before you actually need to go. For know....


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Al said...

dental insurance makes me hot.

Anonymous said...

AL! This was BRILLIANT! I love it. Just what I needed to read after a long hard day....yeah...I was here at 8's 6 pm....what. You are TOO FUNNY! I love the painstaking no-one-will-ever-find-this-by-searching-Google-because-I-am-too-clever effort you made to hide your fellow chain member's identity. It's like you've been blogging for years. GENIUS. And, ummm...can I have your boss for a day? Cause she looks nice....

heheh Dan looks very similar...except rounder, and more male!


Anonymous said...

Oh, and dental insurance makes me hot too. I think it's cause it doesn't cover TMJ and hence makes me flush with RAGE AND ANGER! This is similar to how I feel about BLOG SPAM! Little shits...