Stank

Ha ha that's how my coworker Rochelle described our new office mate. While I want to give this girl a chance and obviously still will, it's hard not to agree when this person will neither speak nor acknowledge you. I mean I know she's new to the office and all but she doesn't even lift her head to say "good morning." She keeps her back turned and doesn't speak. As Rochelle said "that's kinda stank." Um yeah, dude, you don't even have to be nice to us or talk to us, be we are requesting some politeness PLEASE!

Anywho.
So I got up this morning and was thinking about the day ahead and all the crap that needs to be conquered and got kind of depressed. Maybe depressed isn't the exact word for it but sort of overwhelmed and sad about the fact that my life has to be so scheduled to get through it. I am able to do fun things true, but lately, unless they're really simple, they seem like such a chore. I feel kind of bad about it, like I'm being a bad friend, because I'll get invited to parties or out to dinner and I'll find ways to defer even if I really want to go because I'm tired and stressed - which is why I should really try to go! I dunno. It's just that I'm putting 40 hours in at the office, 10 hours a week of class time at Tufts, 5 hours a week getting to/from Tufts and 15 hours a week commuting. So that means that 70 hours of my week are committed to other things, plus the 42 hours a week I sleep. That leaves me with about 56 free hours a week, minus the hour or so phone call to Jam each day, plus I dunno, self maintenance like BATHING - I feel so strapped for time. So when a friend is like "let's go out to dinner after work" all I can think is "Ok, so if we meet at 6, then dinner/talking/hanging out will probably go til 9 and that means I won't get home til 10-10:30 depending on where we are in the city and I won' t be able to do any schoolwork or go to the gym. Do I give up friends for school and fitness? Seems like a shitty exchange.

I used to mock one of my friend's obsession with her planner (ok it was ridiculous considering the amount of free time she actually had at her disposal) but I'm not so sure I'd do it now since I bought a mom's planner at Borders last fall to keep my shit in order. I hate telling people I'll pencil them in, and it's practically impossible to do unless a friend is having a party or something, so I'm left being a solitary creature, because I can't just do shit on a whim anymore, which no one seems to understand. I mean my dad asked me to help out at a Ducks Unlimited event on February 2nd, and I'm already planning my week around it NOW. Sick.

I know I probably sound complain-y especially with the light being at the end of the tunnel (provided I get a B or above in all my classes, please God) but I just feel like I'm not even a person anymore, just a robot who gets up, drives to the train, takes the train to school, goes to class, takes notes quietly and obediently, goes to work, goes to train, goes home, rides decrepit exer-cycle because there is no time for the gym, reads for school, tries not to have major mental malfunction while on phone with Jam, passes out for 6 hours and the cycle repeats. Except when Jam is over, I'm pretty much in 3 places: school, work, home. And while I would love to be going out, going to the MFA (art of Napoleon. I'm going to miss it. sad.), going to concerts and out to dinner, I also know I can't right now. Christ, I've put off getting my hair cut for a month now. I bought a SUIT online the other day because I don't have TIME to go to a store. I bought NAIL POLISH online! Let's not even talk about the fact that I have fabric and yarn piling up, gifts that probably won't get made in time, if ever. Ugh. Who the hell am I turning into???

The reason for my ranting is not to complain, I promise. It's more out of fear. I wonder if I'll ever be the person I was before school, one who liked to visit Jam and go out to a bar til 4am and dance half the night away, one who could grab lunch with a friend on a whim or who could shop with her sister all day long without getting cranky or feeling stressed for time (ok we did pretty well last week at the cross stitch shop :D ) Or will I just want to retreat with a book for a moment of solitude? I also fear snapping at someone I really like - Jam, my friends, my family. I fear snapping. I'm afraid I'll be really mean about it too. Jam told me a friend who is getting married has taken the semester off - totally her decision, and it's not my business, I'm cool with everyone's personal decisions. But I fear my reaction when she finally tells me (she hasn't yet). If she just says "I'm taking the semester off" I know I'll just be like "oh do what you have to do, it's ok" but if she says something like "Oh I won't graduate til 2010" I might just lose it. Her approach to school has been different than mine since day 1 and I've often heard "you'll graduate before me and you started after!" I was always sort of patient about it, not pointing out that she took classes one at a time to begin with, etc (I've looked up her program and it does seem to be longer than mine. Though at this point, I've basically taken a semester and a half of extra classes in 2 years time, so if you suck it the f*ck up these things can be done, and I've kept my 40 hour a week too) but now I'm so strung out, I might snap and I'm afraid I'll say something nasty. Eeek, I hope I can hold onto my sh*t this semester. Seriously. I'm kind of worried.

Eh enough of my bitching. Have a good weekend all!