Blogging can be soooo therapeutic. Seriously, it can. I mean if no one else listens to you rant, write it out here. At least here people aren't forced to read, though if you read dooce, apparently some people are forced to read because they just can't tear themselves away from the page, and then they're compelled to comment. Luckily my readership is not that high, thank goodness!
Anyways, I haven't substantially blogged in a while because I was getting all caught up in the tangle of life. This is really hypocritical of me; I'm the girl who left at least 3 comments on my friend's last post demanding that she blog (sorry EE!), and I'm the girl who thought about knocking a sewing blog off of my favorites because the author hadn't updated since Christmas - then I find out that's because she was making the costumes for an entire ensemble! I have no such excuse.
I've been bogged down by schoolwork and classes and regular work and you know, issues. Life issues. Feeling depressed issues. Hating certain aspects of school but knowing I can't quit issues. Money issues. Moving out issues. What the future holds issues. ARGH! So many issues! Too many. I mean I actually have what's probably a normal amount of issues for a girl in my situation at my age, but still, they seem so many, too many to be dealt with at least.
Anyways, I've decided to calm down. It took a lot for me to decide that. It took crying jags on the phone with Jam, a drunken heart-to-heart with my across the street neighbor, lunch with a friend and some serious introspection, but I've decided that I need to start "riding the wave of life" so to speak. Stop freaking out, stop letting things depress you. It's really hard for me, because sometimes I really do feel like I'm grabbing life by the horns and riding it and doing a damn fine job, but sometimes it's more than I can bear even trying to come up with that attitude. Sometimes when I am trudging to Tufts I think "God. Why am I doing this to myself? It's insane."
Well. No more. I've decided I don't have to be all happy and excited about everything, but I need to be calm. BE CALM. Part of my inspiration came from following Jam's advice: set aside around an hour each day to do some reading or studying for classes. Today I peeked at my syllabus and realized that I've done all the reading that pertains to the next exam in Animal Behavior. It's done. No more frenetic cramming, trying to stay up til 2AM the night before to study knowing that I'll be up again at 5. Being calm and collected has put me ahead of the game - 10 days ahead, plenty of time to review notes, make some flashcards and really prepare for the exam, with time left over to tackle conbio. Awesome! Another thing that got me back on track was hearing the inspirational words of Jane Goodall last Sunday. It's the second time I've heard her speak and the second time her words have encouraged me to press on. When I heard her speak in Franklin Park last April I hadn't bothered to reapply for graduate school. Her words and her firm belief that my generation is holding the future of our planet and everything on it in our hands lit a fire under my butt. I applied to Tufts and got in. Nearly a year later, my confidence and dedication was starting to flag. I could feel it. Even though I liked my classes I thought "oh hell, what am I going to do with this non-thesis degree? Everyone wants theses (which I couldn't do part time. dumb) and no one is going to want me with a coursework masters!!" and was feeling apathetic to life and the world and its crises. Now I'm ready to rally again, to do well in class and to even take a summer class to get caught up. The sooner I get out there, the sooner I can start doing something good, right?
So back on track am I. I've even rewarded myself with the privilege of a non-school book for the train, The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. I've read it before, I admit, but it's so beautiful. I think I empathize with Clare in a lot of ways, just by (don't laugh) being in a long-distance relationship, though I do realize I'm lucky not having to try and love a man across the rigors of time and space, just across the miles from New York to Boston and the time it takes to get to either one by bus. Still though, I love the book and even though I started it this morning I may finish it tonight because I brought it up to platelet donation today so I could read instead of watch TV. I love the way the book is so vivid that it transports me from my surroundings. I barely even realized I was on the T this morning (and if you've been on it at rush hour, you'd know this is not an easy feat). At one point I looked up to ponder something and saw a flock of geese flying far away down Huntington. While we were stopped for traffic they came lower and lower and lower like tiny airplanes and landed on the smallest piece of grass, the only one around given the snow cover. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen - well, from the train at least. I figured it must be some kind of omen, and while I do not know exactly what it means, I think it must be good.