Milestone

Two years ago yesterday was the day Jam asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Somehow I've managed to delete the email (yes it was on email, don't hate, we live hundreds of miles apart), but I wish I could put it up here to share with the world. Sadly it's lost in gmail land forever, but what I do have from that day is Jam's closing email:

Jamaal

to me

show details

3/29/05

I'm on a high right now.

It's funny to read those old emails because we were so unsure in the beginning - Jam and I had been notoriously cautious when it came to relationships in the past that when we start getting kind of intense we were sort of like "ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm not sure if this is a good idea. not sure if comfortable....system overload...helllppp!!!" but Jam was willing to take the plunge and ask to take it to the next level - I just wasn't ready to put myself out there yet - and I'm so glad he did, because it's been two years of some pretty great stuff.

The thing I think I might be most grateful for is that through dating Jam I've truly fallen in love. Yeah, go ahead and gag, but it's absolutely true! And to love someone is so different than the stupid crap you read in novels and girly magazines; it's deeper and truer than all of that stuff you're told. With this love comes support and friendship and confidence and laughter. It's so great! In addition to just simply making you feel good, there's a certain sense of security. Like I know Jam will listen to me cry for an hour about grad school and my job because he loves me, and thusly, it is his obligation to listen and make me feel better-tee hee-just as it was my obligation to hear about those frickin' GMAT's!!!! Sharing in the not so hot times comes sharing in the joy, and we've had so many joyful times to share over the past two years - weddings and babies and engagement and birthday parties, grad school acceptances and license test passings, holidays and families. It's been so great to have Jam by my side for a lot of these, and it's not just because after going to the prom alone I vowed never to go to a hot party without a date, LOL. It's because I love him madly, and I want to share everything with him. EVEN MY MISERY AND GERMS! GRRR!

Jamaal explains it better than I could on my blog, but he points out that we've become a unit (um, hello? JAMAALLISON, people, JAMAALLISON) but maintained our independence (well living in different cities will do that to you, LOL) and stayed as our own special individual people. We've really come together as a couple too, and like he mentioned, we're not afraid to battle it out (I still say periwinkle is a real color, bitch) when we need to work something out. Maybe this is why I'm pretty comfortable about our future together. I know we'll face challenges (like the fact that Jamaal needs to iron his jeans and I think he would even iron underwear if he could whereas I pull things wrinkled out of the dryer and throw them on. oh the horror) but I think we're going to be ok, because we've got 1. mad love for each other 2. respect 3. and a willingness to engage in a battle to the death. of the issue, I mean... Those things have gotten us through the first two years with flying colors...hahahh colors....and I think they'll carry us through forever.

Happy Anniversary, Love.

7.Share

*note: EE if you're reading this, it's fine, just don't look at my flickr stuff, your bday present is n the mix!!!

So I got tripped up on the 7th topic of Maggie Mason's book, which was "share your writing." By this she meant old embarrassing diaries and stuff like that. The thing is that I moved when I was 10, and most childhood ridiculousness was thrown in a giant trashbag, but I think this is a good thing. Anyways, I was trying to figure out what the hell I would write for this. I have Kenya journals but they're either sad or kind of only meaningful to me. What to do?

Well the other day I was throwing out my old planner, and in the back, on the address book part, I had scribbled many many many things. I tore out 3 pages. I should've scanned them, but I got lazy, so I'll just share what's written. Anything I didn't write on the page, I'll bracket!

Page 1

Projects:

bday gifts
Melu
Tania
Eliz

grad
Kristen
Amanda
Gena
[due to a sad lack of organization, only Kristen got a gift]

Dave & Katrina baby
T&K baby
Oneal&Avril baby
[Jam's baby factory friends ALL got gifts though]

Amy- grad and bday

FP Auction

Fish
lady&child
lions [originally this portion was quite a mystery, but I figured it out, these are all major cross stitch projects I have that are incomplete!]

What always shocks me when I take public transportation is the fact amount of poeple [huh?] who can't handle it. It's true, in this city it's not always the easiest thing, but for the most part if you use common sense and are able to read signs you'll be able to manage - or at least that's what I tend to think, but clearly I am proven wrong on nearly a daily basis. Take today for example. I was delighted when I realized I had timed my exit for work to coincide

Page 2

"I am irrepressibly hot"

"Dan can keep his Jewish foreskin"

"I want the C*NT" (screamed)

"I want a v*lva v*****************************LLLLLLLLLLLLLVAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

"This room is full of penises"

"Those chocolatey teeth."

"All these f*ckin' mens"

[These are all drunked EE quotes. she probably doesn't remember saying any of them because she was so drunk she tripped and pulled me down on the sidewalk with her and cackled til this poor bellhop picked me up whilst she laid there cackling. it was so special. Needless to say, we have moved on and she's found the, well, you know, and is no longer frustrated by a room full of penises because she found the c*nt]

Page 3 [only half a page, it's torn]

[story c'td]
with the arrival of the CT3 though it sometimes mysteriously fails to show up.

I waited on the sidewalk for a bit, then noticed a crosstown bus rounding the corner. It said CT2, and I thought, "nah, don't feel like grabbing that one" and then noticed it was emblazoned with CT3 signs in 250pt font. Now I am excited, but to give poeple the benefit of the doubt, signs can be misleading.

Page 4

People mill about by the doors. When they open the driver shouts "CT3! CT3! CT3 to ANDREW! ANDREW! This bus is going to ANDREW! CT3" I hop on doing a mental fist pump [ps that is soooo something Jam would write in his blog, LOL] Behind me I hear whispering amongst the line that had formed behind me [duh] "CT2 or 3? CT2 or 3??" They venture forward to ask the driver. "CT3!" she says. "But your digital sign says CT2!" "I know," she says,

Page 5 [also torn]

"It's broken, that's why I'm calling the bus at every stop" And this happens at every stop, mulitple times. Hello people?? The train is a similar deal. @ park there are track assignments but sometimes the "D" arrives on the "E" tracks. People flip out! Why?? Stay alert! Read signs! Your might just get where you're supposed to be going!!!

Page 6

"Jamaal's in a week gon' be touchin' you there that little sh*t"

[also courtesy of drunken EE]

So there's my writing for you. Nothing grand, somewhat funny, and kind of bitchy. And oh so special, hahahah.

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Blogroll

*updated, just for you Jammy Jam*
If anyone sees something missing, let me know, I'll put it up!

pitying my yet to be born children, admitting to a few fetishes

when I'm bored at work, I surf the internet.

Yup. I do.

I used to have guilt about this, major guilt, til I realized that I haven't taken a lunch break in a year and a half, except the few delightful occasions where EE and I have met for a 2 hour jobbie somewhere between here and Symphony Hall. Excellent. But besides that, I haven't taken lunch, and dammit, I am entitled to two 15 minute breaks and a half hour lunch break BY LAW. Deval Patrick says so.

I haven't updated my blog roll in a long-ass time and have noticed that some links are outdated and no longer work. I also notice certain blogs in which I indulge regularly are missing. Usually these craft-oriented blogs lead to my long hours, ahem, minutes, of internet surfing for things such as japanese fabric, purse making tools, crochet patterns (I don't even know HOW to crochet, yet so desperately want to join the ripple along because I have a ton of left over yarn!) or old books on how to make stuffed animals. I've also found myself turning my head sideways trying to make sense of a craft website in Japanese or Dutch or Portuguese because it looks that cool. Grrr, addicted!!

So a few days ago I was enjoying one of my favorite crafty sites, when I recalled the author's construction of some enchanting whale softies. When I get super stressed I often fantasize about sewing or crafting because it's selfish and self-indulgent and it's pretty much just for me (even if I'm making a gift, the time I spend making it is me time). These days with job crap and school crap I feel like I have lost a lot of self-indulgent time - I know most people would laugh at this, but I've even given up the every-other week trip to the cheap nail salon up the street because I don't have time, except for the occasional eyebrow wax! Pathetic! So in the midst of stress I start looking for whale patterns online and stumble across a few excellent sites: a birdie mobile site, an animal pattern site, and a stuffed bird site. Though I am many, many, many and let me emphasize once more MANY years away from ever having kids, if I'm ever lucky enough to have them, I began to pity them - they're going to be surrounded by nature crap and sewn crap and quilts and homemade baby clothes and knit sweaters that as soon as they're old enough, they're going to want to throw a heavy object at me. Unless of course, I brainwash them. Though sometimes I see our little family all assembled, me hassling my poor child for its measurements so I can get back to work on his/her back to school outfit or Halloween costume, while Jam smuggles him/her quietly out of the house to built our child into a tennis prodigy. Tee hee, this makes me laugh.

After I stop planning my nonexistent children's lives out I started looking for things I could make for me. Oh lord, the internet is a literal goldmine for crafters. Today on whipup.net, a daily favorite, there was a link to this site. Handbags. Beautiful, self-makeable handbags. I nearly drooled on my keyboard. That site linked up to Amy Butler's, which I refrained from clicking until lunch time because it came with the message: "WARNING!! DO NOT VISIT IF YOU HAVE ANY WORK WHATSOEVER TO DO!! IT WON'T GET DONE!!!" I started plotting which bags I could make, where I could go to see the bags and patterns in person, and wondering how difficult they are....THEN while at mightygoods.com, a site which I do not allow myself to visit much more than once a week for fear I will only increase my credit card debt, I saw this featured bag. Delightful. Whales are awesome, though I fully admit to loving the bird motif that's on EVERYTHING right now. I finally realized that it's completely true - I have an accessory fetish, an unexplicable need to keep buying/making handbags, purses and wallets simply because I can, because I can't help myself, and because it makes me feel damn good. The same goes for shoes. I recently bought these badass keds from shoes.com. I think I may have found the last size 10 pair in existence! Anyways, I've been getting emails galore from them, and they sent out their spring preview today. Holy crap. So wedges are in style, which is excellent because I find them comfy and they don't drag my pant legs on the ground - better yet, patterned wedges are in. GLORIOUS! I also snuck on over to the ridiculously priced designer section. I was browsing at some Stuart Weitzmans, a thought struck me: I have always lusted after a pair of very expensive designer shoes, but I'm generally toooooo cheap to buy anything that costs more than $69.99 (which in my defense, does allow me to be somewhat of a shoe whore without going broke). I reasoned, however, that if I found a wedding dress (if I ever get married, LOL) that was priced considerably less than I planned to spend, why not take the leftovers and buy a pair of gorgeous Manolo Blahniks, midheel so Jam doesn't feel midget-esque? I mean, that'd be like a gift for the both of us, right? I get to wear them, Jam doesn't feel like a midget. Perfect! Hahahahha perfectly rational. I also have a nail polish fetish, though it's slightly less exciting than my other fetishes, especially since the discovery of a Trade Secret at the Kingston Mall has made the procurement of O.P.I. nail polish less of an accomplishment compared to what it used to take (online buying, a trip to NYC, etc). le sighhhhhhh

Hmm I think that does it with the day's update. I've been keeping close watch on my 100 miles ticker with a bit of trepidation. I realized that all the walking miles I normally accrue during the week would come to a halt this week as it is my spring break. I thought I walked a whole mile yesterday, but it turned out to be a mere .75. Damn. I hope I can make it. At least I'm about to really step up my running schedule, as I'll be running the Harpoonfest 5-miler in June with my coworkers and *maybe* if I'm lucky, Jammy Jam. He wants to get into run, which excites me, but you know, you can't push ;) So I guess we'll see how I do with that 100 miles. hmm. It's a long haul but I might be able to get it done. Fingers crossed, grrrr.....

Well I'm gonna wrap this up. I have a list a mile long of things to do - my friend EE celebrated her 25th birthday last weekend and due to a large number of reasons and things we decided to have the rocking party THIS Saturday instead, so there's a bit of bday crafting to finish, nevermind planning for a hopefully large birthday brunch at my house, and then all the usual biz before a big weekend where nothing will get accomplished but tons of fun will be had. Sweeet. Just a little while longer at the job...then....FREEDOM!

Bring back the blogging

Blogging can be soooo therapeutic. Seriously, it can. I mean if no one else listens to you rant, write it out here. At least here people aren't forced to read, though if you read dooce, apparently some people are forced to read because they just can't tear themselves away from the page, and then they're compelled to comment. Luckily my readership is not that high, thank goodness!

Anyways, I haven't substantially blogged in a while because I was getting all caught up in the tangle of life. This is really hypocritical of me; I'm the girl who left at least 3 comments on my friend's last post demanding that she blog (sorry EE!), and I'm the girl who thought about knocking a sewing blog off of my favorites because the author hadn't updated since Christmas - then I find out that's because she was making the costumes for an entire ensemble! I have no such excuse.

I've been bogged down by schoolwork and classes and regular work and you know, issues. Life issues. Feeling depressed issues. Hating certain aspects of school but knowing I can't quit issues. Money issues. Moving out issues. What the future holds issues. ARGH! So many issues! Too many. I mean I actually have what's probably a normal amount of issues for a girl in my situation at my age, but still, they seem so many, too many to be dealt with at least.

Anyways, I've decided to calm down. It took a lot for me to decide that. It took crying jags on the phone with Jam, a drunken heart-to-heart with my across the street neighbor, lunch with a friend and some serious introspection, but I've decided that I need to start "riding the wave of life" so to speak. Stop freaking out, stop letting things depress you. It's really hard for me, because sometimes I really do feel like I'm grabbing life by the horns and riding it and doing a damn fine job, but sometimes it's more than I can bear even trying to come up with that attitude. Sometimes when I am trudging to Tufts I think "God. Why am I doing this to myself? It's insane."

Well. No more. I've decided I don't have to be all happy and excited about everything, but I need to be calm. BE CALM. Part of my inspiration came from following Jam's advice: set aside around an hour each day to do some reading or studying for classes. Today I peeked at my syllabus and realized that I've done all the reading that pertains to the next exam in Animal Behavior. It's done. No more frenetic cramming, trying to stay up til 2AM the night before to study knowing that I'll be up again at 5. Being calm and collected has put me ahead of the game - 10 days ahead, plenty of time to review notes, make some flashcards and really prepare for the exam, with time left over to tackle conbio. Awesome! Another thing that got me back on track was hearing the inspirational words of Jane Goodall last Sunday. It's the second time I've heard her speak and the second time her words have encouraged me to press on. When I heard her speak in Franklin Park last April I hadn't bothered to reapply for graduate school. Her words and her firm belief that my generation is holding the future of our planet and everything on it in our hands lit a fire under my butt. I applied to Tufts and got in. Nearly a year later, my confidence and dedication was starting to flag. I could feel it. Even though I liked my classes I thought "oh hell, what am I going to do with this non-thesis degree? Everyone wants theses (which I couldn't do part time. dumb) and no one is going to want me with a coursework masters!!" and was feeling apathetic to life and the world and its crises. Now I'm ready to rally again, to do well in class and to even take a summer class to get caught up. The sooner I get out there, the sooner I can start doing something good, right?

So back on track am I. I've even rewarded myself with the privilege of a non-school book for the train, The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. I've read it before, I admit, but it's so beautiful. I think I empathize with Clare in a lot of ways, just by (don't laugh) being in a long-distance relationship, though I do realize I'm lucky not having to try and love a man across the rigors of time and space, just across the miles from New York to Boston and the time it takes to get to either one by bus. Still though, I love the book and even though I started it this morning I may finish it tonight because I brought it up to platelet donation today so I could read instead of watch TV. I love the way the book is so vivid that it transports me from my surroundings. I barely even realized I was on the T this morning (and if you've been on it at rush hour, you'd know this is not an easy feat). At one point I looked up to ponder something and saw a flock of geese flying far away down Huntington. While we were stopped for traffic they came lower and lower and lower like tiny airplanes and landed on the smallest piece of grass, the only one around given the snow cover. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen - well, from the train at least. I figured it must be some kind of omen, and while I do not know exactly what it means, I think it must be good.

Starbucks Cup #215, Beth Israel Deaconess

The Way I See It #215

Your body is a whole, all of its
parts connected. Your body wants
to be healthy. Every lifestyle choice
you make has a profound impact on
how you live, feel, age. Only a true
understanding and appreciation of
your body will enable you to live
long and live well.

--Andrew Weil, M.D.
Author of Healthy Aging and director
of the University of Arizona
Program in Integrative Medicine

More later, I promise, just this for now, while I'm a busy little worker bee......

with tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept

Eh, March already, it doesn't seem possible.
Amy (who is finally home after a long stint of housesitting) and I were talking last night about how much 2007 has sucked. My mom got in on the conversation and heartily agreed. Then I said it sucked my left titty and moved to my right, at which point my mother pretended to be horrified but cackled as she stood in front of the stove, stirring a pot.

I can't say that '07 hasn't had its moments. New Year's was great! Of course, our year started going downhill on January 2nd, the day of my Aunt's hospitalization. Since then we've vomited, trip, fallen, rolled, been kicked in the ass down the mountain. I am hoping with the advent of spring, however, we will find ourselves in the valley. The Happy Valley. Not the Valley of the Shadow of Death or whatever, because then our luck would REALLY SUCK. heh.

Anyways, this week has been particularly trying for work and academic reasons and I'm looking to get back on track. Wouldn't you know that the one bit of luck I've had this year has been in the financial realm. Haaahahah hilarious, as I am generally the worst off family member when it comes to money. Unbeknownst to me, there is a tax rebate for those paying tuition to at least a half-time accredited institution. Go Tufts! (savor it now, it might be the only time you see/hear that phrase) So that helped me knock off some serious debt, including paying off my car, amen jesus, and some credit card junk. Getting that off my back has been nothing short of amazing. I know it sounds cheesy, but my debt was dragging me down. I always have enough money to do pretty much what I want (ie buy shampoo, go to the movies once in a while) but I saved almost nothing and paid the minimums on my cards, and felt completely controlled by my car debt. Now that's much much better, and by December it looks like I'll be out of debt completely. Of course, I wanted this to happen by June, but it doesn't look quite possible. I will be able to pay for a trip to Costa Rica with Jam without going into debt though, and that beats being completely out of debt by June!

Now that I'm feeling a little better about life in general (also helped by Jam's reassuring words and formulation of a study plan for me) I want to have something to look forward to. That's why I threw that kayak and camera fund ticker up there to the right. I would like to buy a new digital camera, a canon digital rebel. I'd also like a kayak, and have had my eye on this model for a long while. I want to get these things the old fashioned way, by saving up my pennies and my little extras here and there. For both of these items I need approximately $1200. I've got $50 so far. I'd like to see how much motivation can do, so I'm gonna go for it and start saving up, so I can be paddling in New Hampshire in June and clicking away in Costa Rica in July. Watch me go :)

Wow

I am no John Edwards fan. In fact, you can safely say that I do not like John Edwards much at all. There's something I find distinctly sleazy about him - I get the feeling that if I went to the Oval Office lobbying for environmental protection legislation I'd leave there with a promise, a used car and a vat of bargain olive oil. Shady.

However much I like/dislike the man, he should not have to deal with this hhhhooorrrrrrr. WTF? The more I hear or read about Ann Coulter, the more I think she is not an extremist, but simply INSANE! I mean, right on freedom of speech, but are we not able to draw the line at defaming slurs?
Seriously. My goodness.