Monday, February 12, 2007

My Dearly Beloved

Boyfriend (excalibur) posted some questions he read in an article on his blog. While I think these are incredibly important questions to seriously consider before marriage, I can't help but to give my snarky first impulse response to them. Plus it will probably make him laugh instead of worry because we've actually talked about a lot of these more or less. Here we go:

Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying

Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:

1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

As the woman, I plan to stay at home with the children and dedicate myself to the rigors of household duty with a strict daily schedule of laundry, dishes, ironing, sewing the children's wardrobes and disinfection of various "germ-ridden" areas of the house with clorox wipes. Our house will always be clean, and smell as if no children live there and no food is cooked there. Also, note I did not answer "whether or not to have children." I am a woman, it is my job, how can you even ask that?

2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

When we marry, Jam will do the bills because a girl just doesn't have the head for finances. I expect he will give me a weekly allowance though.

3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

I will do the cooking and cleaning and yardwork, unless it is too physical, then we'll have to hire a nice young man from the neighborhood to help out. Jam will not lift a finger, not even to put on his slippers, which will be warmed by the fire every night for the exact 10 minutes before he gets home, even in July. He will call me from work if he requires any special dietary considerations for that night's dinner as well as whether or not he would like me to have the bathtub ready for a soak so he can wash away all that stress!

4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

I am a sexy beast.

5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

Of course he is!

6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

What ever you need dear, your wish is my command. I am afraid of grasshoppers though. There, I've said it.

7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?

How else will Jam be able to comfortably watch porn and the NFL?

8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

Of course. What'd you say?

9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

I am protestant. Our children will be raised as puritans, with church 6 hours a day on Sunday and they won't know about s-e-x until they go to some heathen college and drink beer and learn the secrets of boys/girls/both.

10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

Of course. Except for that funny looking one and that weird one and the one with the thing on the thing, coming off the thing.....and that other one, the one who got the sex change. Weird.

11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

Brenda gave me foot care products this weekend. But see, I don't see that as necessarily interfering. It's more like trying to help the helpless. Jam was probably like 'Mommy, Allison has nasty feet." And she bought me the foot care set as a way of saying "clean up your stank feet or you'll be looking for a new boyfriend." That's sweet. As for my parents - can parents who don't know the intimate details of your relationship interfere with it? N-O nooooo

12) What does my family do that annoys you?

It's the license plate-collecting, anal retentive car-washing, New England Patriots Boston Red Sox obsessing, organic food-eating thing, isn't it? Sniffle

13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

The nasty dirty.........oh. No. I mean. Um. I still want to drink a coke zero a night, ok?

14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

Why would we do that, we live in my parent's basement for FREEEEEEEE

15) Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

If we can survive flaming buses, Peter Pan passengers from hell, lost bus drivers, Long Island highways, five hour rides to Maine, entertaining ourselves in rainy ass Vermont, and that whole crapload of miles between us, surely we could survive MARRIAGE!!

Seriously though, once again, these are really important questions that Jam and I should probably go over one day. Cause there are definitely things I assumed - I always imagined that I'd stay home with the kids if possible. I don't know why I just did - and I went to a women's college that beat the whole breaking the glass ceiling thing into you! But maybe it's Jam's lifelong dream to be a stay at home dad! I can't mess with that! There are also things I never even thought about: tv in the bedroom? I just never thought about it. True, bedrooms without tvs can be very relaxing and zen, that's true enough, plus it's very bad feng shui to have a tv in the bedroom, it is a black hole just waiting to suck up good energy. But honestly, I never really put too much thought into it? why? because let's put it this way: Jam and I both have tv's in our rooms. And when we're with each other, unless we're deliberately watching tv and sometimes not even then, the focus is not, NOT on the television. Case closed.

Oh dear, I've wasted precious study time to fill this out. Ah well, it's been fun nonetheless. Hope you laughed Jammy Jam. I love you madly.

1 comment:

Excalibur said...

Ha, ha, I love you. Your sense of humor is unparallled. Just ask my aunt or my mother, LOL.