Sometimes I think I have ADHD.
Sometimes, I attack my days. I hurtle through them like a meteorite and crash at the end of the day, leaving a trail of accomplishment (OK and sometimes destruction) behind me.
Other times, I'm like a damn piece of trash in the wind (aren't I like, SUPER GOOD at metaphors? *cackles*) I float around and do not settle for more than a few seconds at a time. Nothing gets done. I can't complete a task from beginning to end not a single task.
This weekend I realized that no, it's not ADHD. It's this:
That's my to-do list that I made on Friday night...for the weekend. It had some easy things on it: "renew library books" "buy Charlie bird food" "clean." But then it had these ridiculous goals on it "schedule life" "come up with a fitness plan for next three months" "finish save-the-dates" (I have to do 100!!) and then random things that have been put off for years "scan Kenya pics" "write to Ms. B." Yeah. Maybe the problem is more like, oh I dunno, I make unattainable goals and then feel like a failure when I do not accomplish everything on the list? I think that's more like it. It's a specific neuroses/condition, called "First-born over-achiever syndrome." One does not necessarily have to be the first-born child in the family to have this disease, but it does often afflict the first-borns. An even greater problem is that I'm not sure how to cure it. I like having my days filled with things to do, because at the end I can feel accomplished. Lately though, I've been seeing the value in having an unscheduled day in which I do nothing except watch movies and some sort of craft (if the weather is bad) or just wander around outside for no particular reason. Yesterday it was chilly but bright and sunny in Mass., and all I wanted to do was kayak. But there was NO TIME!!!!111one one
I'm going to work on this issue. I don't have a solution yet, but I have a few ideas on how I'm going to deal with this. Part of it is staying organized. Part of it is not being a damn overachiever who takes on too much (sure I'll make your baby a quilt, sure I'll do a hand-knit scarf swap, sure I'll bring that special beehive cake to your party on Saturday night). Part of it also has to come from me figuring it out a little bit. I know I'll always have that overachiever in me, but I have to learn how to wrangle it, harness it for good and not for destruction. There's got to be a way, right?
For now, I'm going to get back to work. I can't believed I focused on this post and wrote in uninterrupted. Go me, ha ha ha.