Tuesday, May 16, 2006

why if I liked girls I would want to hook up with Potes from televisionwithoutpity.com

How hilarious is this:

Jade is next. She says that Danielle is a little ill, but when you model and travel you have to do well on shoots no matter what. Jade is ready to rock. She is ready to rock you with her stupidity, as well, as she says that she'll never forget shooting on the elephant, which reminds her of an ancient dinosaur. She adds, "'Cause they are in the dinosaur family." Yes, and birds are blind. And my cat, Miss Itty, pees apple juice. Is there some sort of National Geographic For Dummmies that we could buy from a charity drive, and then send in bulk to the show? Jade does not do a spectacular job and has trouble taking Jay's direction. Jay tells her that she's thinking about it too much, and notes that Jade becomes instantly stiff when he gives direction, and perhaps thinks it's a critique. Joanie agrees that Jade was stiff and looked uncomfortable with what she was doing. Sutan, the makeup artist, lies to Jade that she did well. Never trust a man who dresses like Tyra Banks, mostly because it means he shops at Victoria's Secret.

I generally like the reviews on televisionwithoutpity.com. They're funny, the people who write them have a great sense of humor, BUT mostly I just skim along for a few pages and then abandon ship because they get boring after a while. Maybe because you don't need to read a detailed review of Grey's Anatomy. You were there. You watched it. And you like McDreamy, so when you read an entire page dedicated to how much he has been sucking lately, even if you agree you're kinda like "yeah ok, know it, don't need to read it." The one exception to the rule would be Potes' s reviews of America's Next Top Model. First of all, ripping apart a reality tv show is great because you get to rip apart REAL PEOPLE without them EVER knowing (unless you know them. which would suck, cause then there would be all this bullshit and guilt about hating them and you would hold back in your real enraged criticism of their suckage). Anyways, I read Potes's thumbnail sketches on Wednesday morning after the episode and eagerly await her full length reviews later in the week because they are that hilarious. And because she hates Jade. And so do I. Maybe, just maybe, the ugly biatch will be eliminated tonight. Grrrrrrrr.

Evil has a name: JADE

Meanwhile on Amazing Race, we are also down to the last three after the glorious elimination of MoJo. I'm thinking it's the season finale, though the strategy may be to squeeze one more episode out next week, I'm not sure exactly.

So we're down to:

BJ and Tyler.
Personally, I like BJ and Tyler. Yeah, they're hippies, they have long disheveled hair and look like they do not bathe, but they're FUN. Everyone is always ranking on them (both on the show and in life) People are like "they're hippies, they're creepy, they're loud, they're annoying, they say that lame catchphrase "TTOW" all the time." That is jealousy, my friends. Why? Because twice they have been almost eliminated and had all their money taken instead in the non elimination round, and you know what? They were actually better off! Yeah, yeah, you can claim it was because other teammates gave them money and clothes, but seriously, it's cause they got mad skill when it comes to collecting money, begging, performing WHATEVER! I have different personal reasons for liking them. One is that they actually make an effort to embrace their surroundings. Yeah, there are people who accept their surroundings and make due, but most teams are kind of distant. Like Ray and Yolanda are awesome (I think) and they seem nice, but their attitude is very much get in, do it, get out. BJ and Tyler, even if they only speak a few words of the local dialect, will make an effort to communicate. They are respectful of local customs and habits. Basically, they don't act like freaky Americans in a foreign land. Which is not to say they don't act freaky, they do, but people seem to like it. Maybe because inside they are saying "lookit those freaky Americans" which to me is wwaaaaaayyy more desirable than "lookit those rude Americans." I'm not sure if I'm being clear, but quick examples of stupidity:

Lake (hick accent): Woman I should've made you do the challenge where you had to dive for the clue in the pool
Michelle: Laaaake....would you have really wanted me to? In front of Russian men? In a bathing suit?
MoJo: Can we get tickets to Palller-moe? Paller-mo? Palomino?
Airline ticket counter man: "Palermo"? (said "Pah-lairrrrr-mo" with a very italian rolled "r")
MoJo: Yeah Paller-mo
Airline ticket counter man shoots them look of death

Fratboy 1: hey we need a ticket to Palermo
Fratboy 2: hey ladies
Alitalia ladies: hello, ciao
Fratboy 2: hey ladies, uh, you got hickies?
Alitalia ladies stare bewildered: wha?
Fratboy 2: y'all got hickies? is that why you're wearing scarfs around your neck?
Alitalia ladies shoot them looks that says "please die now"

Well the above comment spells it out for you. They suck. They think they're the shit. When they did an underwater challenge and came out in speedos (shudder) they were like "good think this beach is empty, otherwise there would be ladies all over us." They've told both Yolanda and Monica that they were lucky to have men with them otherwise they would've been in "trouble" several times. Ha. Monica may have liked that comment, I'm not sure, but Yolanda's look in response to that comment was like "I would not touch you with a ten foot pole. ps. seen my boyfriend Ray? I guarantee you his dick is twice the size of yours, maybe even THREE times, bitch." Heh. I hope they do not win, though I am not sure that they have the best chance. Yes, they are actually pretty good players, but they've made some pretty damaging tasks in the past, especially when it comes to reading maps. They may be doomed because they can't read. Maps, I mean, they can't read maps. Though if they were in fact illiterate, I have to admit, I wouldn't be shocked.

Ray and Yolanda:
Nice folks I think. I mean Yolanda even got ahold of BJ or Tyler's purple pants when they lost everything in the non-elimination round. That is so chill. But that is Ray and Yolanda to a T. They are chill. Almost too chill. They need to get fired up if they are going to win, and their chill-ness makes me want to take a lighter and hold it close to their skin and be like "yo does this burn, cause you two are slightly bot-like." Well, except for that time they were fighting. Maybe they need to fight again? That way, Ray could get all pissed off and be like 'You didn't drag me here for nothin' bitch, I'm gonna get that million dollars even if I have to share it with you" He would actually show emotion. And we know Yolanda's not gonna pull a Monica and get all weepy and shit. She will get vengeful and be like "Fine Ray, I'll show you exactly what I can do and how much better than you I can do it." Ha. If that happened, I think they would win.

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