Man, I Tell Ya

Sooo I have some transportation stories to share. Here goes....

We all know I have mad LimoLiner LOVE. In the 3+ years Jam and I have been a couple I have tried every damn way of getting to NYC (and before we dated, I did fly once to NYC, so I tried that too) and found that the good ol' LL, as expensive as it is, was pretty much the only mode of transportation that would bring me from Boston to NYC and not turn me into a complete raving, frazzled, crazy bitch by the time my feet touched Manhattan soil...er...pavement.

Anyways, I've noticed that the LL is starting to attract a very specific group of clientele - the "even though I am on a bus with 27 other people I am going to behave as though I am the only one here" clientele. I try to be patient because some of these people are legit - like bent old ladies with a million shopping bags. I mean, if my Auntie Elinore were still with us (she'd be um, 97 I guess...or turning 97) and she realized how comfortably she could relive the her life as a buyer for Jordan Marsh, jetting off to NYC for the day to buy fabrics and approve new looks and such, she would probably do it, though she would need the special catering provided by the LL. I'm so not talking about those people. I am talking about the people who, from the instant they arrive, cause difficulty.

On Friday I was waiting curbside for the doors to open and a lady rolls up and cuts in front of me. Whatever, it's assigned seating, why would I even care? Then we have said old lady with her bags. She cuts eveyrone, but I think she's entitled. Then the other woman steps right up. Now the attendant had said "have your photo ID ready." Of course because I am so damn type A I have it in my hand ready to go. This woman steps right up and gives her name. The attendant asks for ID. She starts rifling through her overstuffed purse. Rifle, rifle, rifle. She is about to hand it over but says "oh this won't do, it doesn't have the right last name on it." Awesome, Alias, hand it over and get on the effing bus, no one CARES. She managed to behave until we got to Framingham. People start boarding and looking for a place to stash coats and such. "Is your coat WET???" she demanded of the boy who dared to share an overhead bin with her luggage. Then she asked for more pillows. And a blanket. As soon as we pulled away she started again "will there be drinks on this bus?" yes "will there be food?" yes "what kind?" chicken sandwiches "what about snacks?" WTF, are you not an adult? Bring your own damn snacks!! Then every 5 seconds she needed a drink. Then she took all her prescription medication. Then she put lotion on all uncovered areas of skin. Then she put lip gloss on. Then she *shudder* filed her nails. I mean, this is only the stuff I observed, because then I fell asleep for about an hour. I awoke to her shrill, loud voice on her cell phone. Clearly she ignored the "please keep your conversations to a confidential tone" note that the attendant mentioned earlier. "YEAH" she shrieked like a harpy "I don't know if I'll make the SER-vice. We might run LATE. Oh I know but there just is no good way to make the journey. CALL YOU LATER MY CELL IS DYING!" Sadly, LL has electical outlets, so she had time to charge it. Next thing, I hear her telling the attendant that she is very cold, could the heat be turned up. The attendant, bless her, said NO. "Well" harpy said, "I will just need a cup of chamomile tea and another blanket." She got two cups of tea in the next half hour to "warm her hands." After all that, I later looked up to see her picking her nose. Seriously.

The ride back frankly sucked as we broke down in Connecticut. It sucked before that though because the DB in front of me had a row of empty seats in front of him, he could have sat in any, yet chose to sit right in front of me and put his seat down the whole way. He had to sit up in the reclined seat to drink and eat and get sh*t out of his backpack, yet he didn't seem to care as long as his perfectly arranged to look messy hair did not fall out of place. OY!

Now for the T. This is actually funny.

Yesterday I decided to wear my down commuter coat, forgetting that it's excrutiatingly hot to wear unless it's way below freezing. Oh well. So I trudged from work to the green line, then to the red, where I stood on an Ashmont-bound train in front of a pair of kind of drifter-looking people (not to be awful). They were having some weird conversation about raspberry lime something or other. I had my iPod on and only caught bits and pieces and wasn't really paying attention when the woman tapped me. "There's a seat free right behind you" she said. "Oh no worries," I said "I'm only going two stops." She stared at me and said something. I am frickin' hard of hearing to begin with, and with the noise of the train, I couldn't even hear her. I leaned over and took my earbud out and said "I can't hear you" hoping she wasn't saying something shady. She repeats it, looking at me with wide eyes. I ask her to repeat again and she says "Aren't you having a baby?"
Oh jesus.
I laughed and said "Oh. Um. No." Her eyes widen in horror. "My coat makes me look pregnant though, I take it." "Oh. Oh God. Uh yeah" she said. I said "It's ok, it's a bulky coat" She said "Oh so you get that a lot?" I laughed again "Well no, it's a first, but now I know what I look like in it!" "Oh I am so sorry - I wondered why you weren't sitting though!" she said. The guy she was with was laughing and said something I didn't catch. They stood to get off at Downtown Crossing and as she stood, the lady patted me on the shoulder and said "Thank you for being so good about it."

It was all I could do to not cackle on the train. I was not offended. As I pointed out to Jam: 1. I don't look pregnant in my regular clothes, so I know it's the coat, 2. it's a huge effing coat that is poofy and bulky as hell and my train posture isn't exactly fantastic so I probably did look pregnant, 3. I don't give a sh*t who on the train thinks I'm knocked up. Whatever. 4. I did very much appreciate her courtesy, though I probably would've dropped it after I offered up the seat LOL. All in good fun. When I look back, it's actually really sweet that the lady had my back. I hope someone's got hers right back!