The Beauty of an Imagination

I totally stopped posting on that whole beauty thing...
I know, I was all about the NaBloPoMo theme, etc.
But then some stupid sh*t happened and I couldn't get OFF it. Seriously.
It had to do with getting an MRI and the MRI people not believing that I didn't have a metal coil in my heart.

I overreacted. I still think I had the right to be angry at them not believing me, but still, I overreacted.

Then I felt guilty. I thought of the fourth-world hospital I visited in Africa where the kids didn't even have bandages for their burns and felt selfish and awful. I was being pissy cause I couldn't get a MRI in what I considered a "timely" fashion.

I felt even more guilty in the waiting room yesterday, listening to the receptionist pre-screen a patient. "Have you ever had cancer?" she asks. Pause, scribbles, OK. "OK so tomorrow we're going to scan your brain." Eff. I'm hear for my effing no good foot. WTF is wrong with me, being so selfish? UGH.

Anyway, I finally got my MRI. The tunnel bit wasn't too bad. Of course I was only in up to my neck, and the scanning apparatus wasn't like, OVER MY FACE or anything creepy like that. I don't think I'm claustrophobic, but I hope I never have to be tested with an MRI.

During the scan I entertained myself by imagining my "lottery list," you know, all the stuff you'd do if you won the lottery. This is totally self-centered too, I know, but it made the 40 minutes of lying absolutely positively motionless fly.

Here's what I'd do if I won 221 million dollars:

First, eliminate my family's debt. My student loans and credit card debt, my sister's and cousin's loan debt, Jam's debt, my parent's mortgage. Yep. Debt-b-gone.

Next, buy the empty lot next to our cottage, and offer buyouts to the neighbors on either side of our cottage in NH. Not only will this give us a ton of space for our hopefully expanding families (I say hopefully because it appears that I will be the first-wed and first parent of the four grandchildren!) but we well have a compound-esque hold on this fantastical piece of property. I think I could buy it all for under a million....amazing considering the views at sunrise:

and sunset:

I wouldn't even do anything particularly grandiose with any of them either. I'd probably keep the house next to us, knock down the one two houses to the west of us. The lot next door I'd keep empty, then the two houses next to that.....well I'd probably keep one up because it looks pretty sweet and maybe do some updating and rustication work on the one immediately to our east. Of course, there would be major updates to plumbing and electricity at all houses, maybe even a wind turbine built to generate our own electricity, definitely a graywater recycling system, and of course, a solution to the "toilet problem." All in all though, I would maintain our rustic feel:

Next up would be a hospital in Oloitokitok.

photo from here

I always said I would build one there were I to become a wealthy woman. This is the hospital to which I am referring when I talk about seeing kids without bandages and meeting a little girl who had the same birth defect as me who will die because she can't afford to go to Nairobi to have it fixed. Messed up. I would have to come up with a detailed plan and most likely require a lawyer, accountant, a pilot and overseer, but I figure if Oprah can pull off her Leadership Academy, I can figure out a hospital, since the only requirement to get in would be injury or illness LOL.
I would also find my friends, Mboya in particular, and make sure they could have a job at the hospital if they wanted....oh and the hospital would have to be 1. green and 2. would never turn away anyone because they could not pay and 3. be based on the ideals of Health in Harmony and Partners in Health. Cause they're soooooo so so soooo so one more time SOOOO brilliant.

Oh there would be so much more to do in Kenya. I can't even tell you...can't even...

Naturally I would have many other charitable things to do. There would be plenty of money for New England Exotic Wildlife Sanctuary, formerly Foster Parrots. Maybe some land for DU....Obviously if the cancer hospital ever needed something, especially to do with community health services, I would be there.

Then of course we'd have the superficial stuff that celebrates consumerism and the shameless love of material goods.

First up, Subaru Forester. I love my '02 - it's seen me through pretty much any terrain you can imagine, a thunder-snow blizzard that dropped about 2 feet on the ground, black ice, treks to NYC, Virginia, Pennsylvania, Connecticut, Maine, NH. It rocks. BUT.....it's kind of dying on me. So sweet new Forester:

oohhhh how glorious....

Then a long vacation at the luxurious Governor's Camp Il Moran Camp:


Next up, this exact penthouse in the Customs House building. You know, while Jam and I are searching for our perfect house in JP/Concord/Lincoln/Carlisle/Wellesley/Duxbury/other town with good schools, lots of land, rustic yet accessible to Boston....

The Penthouse:

The VIEW:

Now the super material junk:

Louboutins:Louis Vuitton tote (to haul my crap in style):

An IMAC for my multimedia needs (OMG so glorious)


A swank new ipod with lots of memory

A clarisonic so my pores become invisible



A mad Container Store shopping spree (for the penthouse and new house of course).



By the time I had finished imagining all this, the Sheryl Crow CD I had chosen to listen to during the MRI was skipping and because I had to remain motionless, I couldn't let anyone know....plus I didn't think skipping CD's warranted the use of the emergency button. Luckily by this point I only had one four-minute and one six-minute scan left, so it wasn't too bad. I kind of bounced off the table all happy with my ideas, LOL. Maybe because I didn't come up with an overwhelming list of "stuff" I'd really need. And definitely because I imagined myself as this charitable-donating fairy, building hospitals, saving birds. It kind of undid all that pissy-ness and rage I had had earlier.

Of course, this was a week ago....
And the doctor has yet to call me....

Sometimes I wonder...

why I spend the loooonely niiiights...

ha ha j/k. As much as I love Nat King Cole and all (and "Stardust" in particular).

Sometimes I seriously wonder why I can't just be content with how life is going and why I sometimes obsess with what's going on with other people. Why do I care? Because I am generally happy. Yeah, I'm waiting for "things to start" like moving in with my love and starting life together and getting married and stuff.

Why do I let the outside world/other people and their expectations/opinions of what I should be doing get to me? WHY?

That's so not me. It isn't. I like to think that I march to the beat of my own drum but...maybe I don't. And it wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't totally hate myself for letting this outside junk influence me and make me FEEL bad about myself and THINK negative thoughts. Ugh. Boo.

Sometimes I wish I could step outside my body, take myself by the shoulders, shake myself and say "for the love of GOD and sunny Jesus you have SO MUCH just be HAPPY for a change."

It's a challenge. Maybe I should work on it this year. Gotta fill that place that gets all emptyangrydarkjealousspiteful with something good.
Yes. That sounds like a plan.

Can we PAUSE

for just a second in the midst of all this happy warm fuzzy beautiful junk an ponder

WHY KANYE IS SUCH A D*****?

Gah. Unbelievable. Thank goodness Beyonce was raised with class.

I Am Watching "The No.1 Ladies Detective Agency"

finally on DVD.

It's wonderful,

but I'm realizing....

I have an Africa-shaped hole in my heart...

And...

Maybe I almost need a Botswana honeymoon...

Baking

There is a certain beauty in baking.

Julie in Julie and Julia says something to the effect of "when you have a bad day you know you can come home and mix egg yolks and sugar and chocolate and create something wonderful"

It is sooo true. At 10 o'clock tonight I realized I had forgotten (between two martinis, a hunk of cheese, a chicken dinner and two phone calls with two lovely people with whom I have not spoken in what seems like forever!) to make my cousin a little birthday gift - cookies, to send up to school.

While it was 10, and normally I would stress to undertake ANY task at that hour, the simplicity and measured goodness of baking outweighed my tiredness, my frustration about my still undiagnosed leg pain and the Patriots losing their last exhibition game of the season (they won in the end!) - baking is beautiful.

Forgive the crap cell phone pics!

I chose to make my cousin some m&m cookies based on my fail-proof chocolate chip cookie recipe.

It has brown sugar....and I just love squishing brown sugar down into a measuring cup:

I also love mixing the sugars with the butters, especially in this recipe that calls for melted and cooled butter. The ingredients come together to make a beautiful caramel-colored batter. Jamaal would probably say something mildly inappropriate for this bit, like "mixing is gooooooood" LOL.
The excitement as the raw materials enter the oven:Eighteen minutes later - VOILA!


The perfect, most beautiful m&m cookies I've ever seen (yeah I'm totally biased!)

1's*

Oh what a day that has just dragged on and on and on!

Finally it's 4:30 ish and I can think about leaving...oh wait, I have a meeting from 6:30 to 8. Boo.

Actually, it's not a total "boo" situation, because 1. Pumpkin Spice Lattes became available today and I have to pass many Starbucks to get to my meeting and 2. my meeting got moved and the new location is across the street from Sephora. Which is technically on my way home and all, but it's not always fun to get off the subway, run up 3 flights of steps to the Prudential Building, walk down, walk back, etc etc when you're trying to catch a train.

This way, I can buy my Fresh Soy Face Wash that I've been putting off for a bit. Why? Because it's 38 DOLLARSSSSS

But this is where our little beauty theme comes in. I am on a beauty regimen. Maybe for life. I am sooo addicted.

It all started when I received a gift certificate to a local aesthetician (think that's spelled right). She had just started her own business after years in a salon. My friend was going on about how great she did eyebrows, blah blah. I admittedly tossed the gift certificate aside for, I dunno, three or four months. Then I got a major allergic reaction to the wax at my usual waxing spot. Forehead and eyebrow hives, unsightly. I decided to give up my $10 monthly wax job to the hands of a professional.

The first time I met this lady I thought she was insane. Awesome, but INSANE. She was like "We are going to beauty boot camp you for your wedding!" This made me nervous. I pretty much take how I look as how I look and besides trying to buff up a little bit for a special occasion, there's no real changing the situation that's happening here, and I'm ok with that. What was she going to do to me? Yikes!

First I brought in my products. They basically got about a D+ OK foundation and powder and primer (ha ha like I ever wear them!) Crap night cream, ok spf day lotion, crap mascara (which was expensive), totallll crap exfoliater. Wow. It was actually a good thing though, to learn all this. I found out that I am pretty much just a product whore. Pretty packaging, nice smells, something eye-catching on the bottle, being featured in InStyle - yep, I will pretty much buy it. D (aesthetician) told me what to throw out, what to use sparingly, what to use daily and started me on the free samples (score). She also recommended a facial.

What?

I was all "hell noooo. A facial is just something you pay for that gets undone in like, a second." ha ha ha talking as if I even knew what happened during a facial, as if I'd had one before! Of course I relented. TO everything. Chucked the bad beauty products, made a facial appt.

Holy goodness gracious. Facials. They are one indulgence I am not sure I'll be able to give up after this wedding. If Jamaal and I are totally poor or whatever (which I hope we'll never be!) and I can only save a dollar a week for a facial, I will do it. I will have a facial jar, I swear. Not only is it 90% relaxing wonderfulness (10% HURTS. Extractions are totally uncool) but my skin has started to change. It's not weird combination-y angry sometimes nice sometimes dry shiny unpredictableness anymore! ha! I have beat you skin! My pores are smaller. The skin is softer and more supple. It looks great - and younger. After my first facial I went up to Babson, as Jamaal was in town, and he looked at me and said "You look so much younger!" Of course I made a joke about being haggard before and he said "no, it's not that you looked bad before, it's just that I can actually see the difference."
SO facials (a good one) are the real deal.

So I'm embracing this beauty regimen on a skin care level. There are still days I work without makeup. OK, there are still many days I work without makeup and my hair in a ponytail, but knowing that I'm rocking some happy skin is fantastic. I know beauty is only skin deep (ha ha ha lookit my pun) but honestly, feeling so good on the outside makes me feel damn fantastic on the inside, and having those two work together on the big day would be kinda perfect.

SO! Off to Sephora (and my meeting.....boo) I go to buy a D approved beauty product! WOOHOO!

*Oh and those 1's in the title? Take a peek at that little ticker gizmo....1 year 1 month 1 week. EEK!

September NaBloPoMo

Whew. How'd September happen?

There is something really lovely about September to me. I don't know what it is exactly. It's something in the air - how it changes. I love the warm days and cool nights and the anticipation of fall. Now that I'm older I love watching kids go back to school and knowing that I don't have to go! I love cider and apple picking and pumpkins, all that good New England stuff.

September is usually one of the most fruitful kayaking months. The water seems to slow down. Birds are beginning to migrate. The mornings are misty and cool and lovely.

I think what I will miss most this month is running. August running is crap. September running is perfect. Though I had a love/hate relationship with cross country my entire high school career, there was something special about the beginning of the season, freezing your butt off in shorts before the race but having the temperature be ideal for running as you crossed the finish. Alas, my tibia is in no condition to run, despite my continued lack of diagnosis, there will be no running in September.

Maybe bike riding?
(something, b/c I look pregnant today. And I'm soooo NOT!)

Another reason I'm so looking forward to the fall is that it marks the official reasonable start of wedding planning. I've been negative about the process lately and haven't been planning anything at all. I just keep adding DIY projects to the list and obsessing over the "to do" bit. Now I can reasonably start to tick things off the list. I recently re-discovered a wedding invite site that has positively gorgeous invites with an incredible price range - to amazing but completely out of our league to totally affordable. I found something amazing today that made me very excited and happy. It would pretty much mean no DIY invite stuff except for envelopes, maps (maybe) and stamps. I'm still figuring out calligraphy and labels and such. The cost would come out to about $600. I am kind of loving this option. EEK! Exciting.

So I haven't done a post a month in a long while. I'm going to try to do NaBloPoMo's September theme, which is: beautiful. I am hoping that it gives this blog a more positive spin because I have been a (as my sister would say) "Debbie Downer" LOL. I am cool with my angsty side and all, but I'm also open to trying new things. So I'm going to blog on beautiful every day.

Mary Poppins (ok it was Keats, but I remember it from Mary Poppins!) said "A thing of beauty is a joy forever." I could not agree more.
This is the reason I bought my much-mocked fringe studio tray:



trust me, it's waaay more beautiful in person, a delicate shade of blue grey with jewel-toned hummers. And no, it may not have a specific function, but it will bring joy into my life when I look at it.

Another thing I treasure is a Royal Copenhagen I inherited from my cousin Catherine. I found out it's worth about $300 and some would say "just sell it! who cares?" This is one of my things of beauty though. I wouldn't care if it were worth a million - I like it the way it is and that's all there is to it. Ok. Maybe I would care if it were worth a million bucks. LOL.

So yes, I value things for their beauty and not for their cost. Little random things I've picked up here and there matter more to me than some ancient priceless artifact (maybe this is because I do not own any ancient priceless artifacts?)

Today I bought something else that I think it just lovely. It's also quirky and weird, but totally appealing to me. This is from Etsy.


Normally I would not bother buying a print because I've got so much sh*t on my walls. And normally when I'm on etsy I am looking for something incredibly specific that has been researched to DEATH. Instead, this was a complete and total impulse buy. Yup. Impulse! It was in the featured section on Etsy's home page and I gobbled it up because I was struck with an idea (wedding-flavored, sorry bored readers). So many people have family wedding photos set up at the guest book/gift dropoff section. That's not really going to work for us....for a lot of reasons, ranging from alternative family-esque to the fact that not many pics exist of grandparents weddings. On my paternal side, my grandparents got married at City Hall - nothing fancy. So it'd be weird to have like, my parents pic and no one else's because we can't track down the pics or whatever. But to fulfill my need to clutter every available surface I thought: what about a table with a couple of really fantastic bird prints? Our loose wedding theme is birds. Our tables will be bird names and I'm sure birds will show up at some point in other wedding things such as placecards or labels, so why not just go with it?? I think this would make a nice artsy addition to the wedding. Yes, it's excessive and unnecessary but it's just lovely. It would make me happy just to see it on a table. So. YAY for things of BEAUTY!

THE END.

Kennedy

What do I have to say about my senator?

Not much. There are posers all over facebook talking about how sad it is blah blah blah.
It IS sad.
It's always sad when someone dies. Especially someone who suffered as the end drew near.

Senator Kennedy DID do good things for this state and country. He did have a past that was ripe with scandal. Most of the time I didn't know what to make of him.
I've never voted for him - I personally voted for new blood, though Kerry annoys me much more, I always thought it'd be good to see what would happen if someone new got in. Plus I knew he'd never lose....no, not in Massachusetts.

Scandal and politics aside, I did know a few quite nice things about the Senator:

He called our friend who lost her daughter on 9/11 every year on the anniversary to check in.

My father bumped into him once at the airport after talking to an aide. It was while I was in Africa. The aide said "Senator, the trooper's daughter is in Kenya, studying abroad." My father said he smiled and said "Kenya! Excellent. Where does she go to school?" He said "Smith." My father said Kennedy lit up and said something the lines of "that's wonderful/you must be proud/etc."

I'm sure there are a million of these little anecdotes.

There's certainly a long political legacy he leaves behind.

But all I can think of is this (and this is what makes me a bad person!)
When he got sick
He found the best doctor in the world for his type of cancer
Flew to Duke
Had probably a 250,000-500,000 brain surgery
It did not save him, but bought him time......

Which was his right, of course, given he could afford it.
BUT.
Would he have made sure health care reform would've covered us common folk had we wanted the same procedure?

About that, I am skeptical.

For now, I am grateful I am going away tomorrow. Because for what it's worth in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, royalty has died, and no one likes a skeptic at a state funeral.

B^TCH!

I am really cranky today.
And I know why.

It's the same old sh*t that makes me cranky again and again.
Oh, well plus something else, LOL, something legit and physical.

The first is being back in that competition I don't want to be in, but am helplessly sucked into by a distant friend's suggestions, comments and predictions. UGH. Of course dear fiance LOVES bringing it up. All I have to say about it, because I am tired, so tired of it, is: the sooner he is up here and we're together, the better. Because the conversations, the suggestions, the unsolicited advice, the "I'm probably going to have a baby by next spring?" Exhausting. Plus me finding it exhausting and not wanting to talk about it and having any reaction except pure joy makes me feel bad too. And frustrated. Why do I care SO MUCH. I guess it's because every comment is a piece of meat dangled in front of me and the commenter is waiting for me to react. I feel like I'm being tested and it drives me crazy. I told a friend that no one else makes me feel this way, WTF is up? She said "talk to her about it." Have I done that? No. But in my defense, this is the first time in a long time I've felt this way. UGH. Must shake feelings of ickiness.

On a higher note, my new boy coworker (boy would be irrelevant except that I've never worked at the D-F with a boy. EVER. and never in the office!) is fixing our printer. He asked me permission first, which makes me laugh as I have suddenly become the office matriarch at 27 LOL. I said "GFI" seriously - do whatever. Too funny.


So the second frustrating thing which I do not feel bad being cranky about in any way shape or form is my LEG.
Yes, it is still bothering me, I am still limping. I am still CRANKIFIED about it!
Yesterday though, I finally met someone who legitimized all my crankiness. I saw an orthopedist who totally rocked. Everyone told me he was a great doctor and when I met him and started chatting I thought "yep. this guy is good...he's listening, he's not writing me off, and he's thinking the problem though..." Of course not being written off means tests, tests, tests. Thursday I have to go in for a bone scan. If that's normal, then it's on to MRI. To some, this would seem backwards, but because the ortho is leaning towards stress fracture, we're starting with the bones because the x-rays I got a week ago? Junk. Reassuring, eh? Oh well.

So while I am very very happy with the orthopedist and like him a lot, I am still hobbling. He was hesitant to splint anything in case I have something torn or ripped tendon-wise (he said some fancy tendonitis name that I forget LOL) so for now it's more of the same: no running, favor the leg when necessary (aka all the time) motrin/tylenol for pain, ice and elevation for comfort. Oy.

Anywho. I'm going to stop bitching and Hulu (can I make this a new verb?) Season 1 of Lost. That will make me happy x 10. Oh and research a trip to Vegas. Just because.

There's some spice for you. Bitchy Spice. But there it is ;)

Oooohhh I soooo don't want to work!

I am procrastinating hard today.
I have an excited feeling bubbling up from deep down inside.....it's nearly THE WEEKEND!
Weekends are just so full of possibility. Also, this weekend heralds the light at the end of the tunnel: when it is through, I get to see the orthopedist.

Is it sad that this is a big treat? I guess not, not when you've been sleeping with a pillow between your legs for 10 days (sounds naughty, but is sooo not) and you only get pain relief for about four hours a day when the aleve kicks in. Not that the orthopedist will necessarily help this, but he might have some sort of solution. Or splint...

Anyways, yes, the weekend. It will involve lots of cooking because we are having (shh) a party for my mom. It's her birthday. Not a special one - ok all birthdays are special - not a significant milestone year, but I guess my dad just felt like a party and planned one....or rather, told my sister and I to plan one, LOL. So cooking awaits, but before that I have to go to the farmer's market to stock up on fresh delicious goodness. I haven't been all year (the shame) and all of the sudden have a craving for lots of fresh berries and peaches - weird! I think I will probably buy more than I need for the party just so I can make some berry muffins on Saturday or Sunday. Lovely.

Oh, and I have to buy some fabulous flowers. I also have to go to the Paper Source (oh boo hoo, such a chore (-: ) to buy some gifties. Then to the cinema to buy mom's gift from Jamaal (ha ha we're not even married yet and I'm already doing his shopping) and then to PetSmart to stock up for the various pets:

Lily

Charlie

Truman
After that I am going to go home and flop onto the couch and elevate and ice the bum leg because I have a party to go to Saturday evening!! In the midst of tears and frustration on Wednesday night Jamaal told me I wasn't going anywhere over the weekend because I can't exactly put weight on my leg, but I really want to make it to my friend's grad party. ugh. dumb injury. I think I can overcome it though ;)

What else? Oh right! The party - I am cooking stuffed peppers and maybe a peach pie (or maybe I will just make bellinis with the peaches I plan to buy!). I am also in charge of guac I think. Then there's green salad, fruit salad, pasta salad. I am thinking that the fruit salad will be sort of "make your own" - my grandma, who is a bit cranky about food, can't really have berries, so I am thinking of putting them aside so people can add at leisure. Hmm. That might work.

Since this blog post is about my boring weekend, I am going to spice it up with some of my favorite links. heh heh yeah. So exciting.

First of all, there's a blog I can't get enough of lately. I've been reading it for just about a year. It's called the Nie Nie Dialogues. I picked it up when the Nielson's plane crashed and Stephanie and Christian were badly injured. It's been a year since the crash and their story is just remarkable. Today I was watching the first news broadcasts from YouTube and compared them to the posts Stephanie has put on her blog in the last few days - it really makes you believe that miracles can happen. Read it - you will be inspired.

Next, it's not a full day without a wedding blog shout out! Style Me Pretty is the pinnacle of wedding awesomeness. Even if you're not getting married, read it for the sheer gorgeousness of everything that makes its way across that blog.

Conversations with a Cupcake. I so dare you not to bake. Actually, I only visit this site when I know I don't have time to bake, otherwise I'd go home every day and cook. And be fat. Or fatter than I am now, I should say, LOL.

The Meanest Mom and Mimi Smartypants. I don't read a ton of mom blogs since I'm not even married, nevermind a mom (I know they're not mutually exclusive, but I'm trying to go in my chosen order, ha ha ha). EE started me on dooce, and they somehow led to the Mom Blogiverse, but I am glad I found these two hysterical ladies because they can always brighten my day.

So I am not a New Yorker like my dear fiance, but I can appreciate what the city has to offer, one of the things being Central Park, an oasis in the urban center of the East Coast (yes I admit to it being bigger than Boston!) Marie Winn brings us nature news from the park and city, and I've often been inspired to get out in my own back yard after reading her posts.

After linking to a link to a link to a link I stumbled upon this bella e fantastica blog from Italy. Oh it makes you want to pack up your summer dresses and sandals and fly off to the Italian countryside. It is also rich in recipes, so again, I dare you not to cook.

Another link link link situation brought me here, back to Africa. I should know by now that this is unavoidable.

Well it's coffee time for me as I skipped breakfast. I need some fuel. I also need a little break from my coworker - I love her, but she has bad asthma and sometimes has "bad days" where she has to clear her throat literally ever 20 seconds. It's unnerving. Coffee break and I'll be ready to go.

Have a fantastic weekend everyone!

No posts b/c

b/c
1. today is deadline day for ASH submissions and I am being hounded at work
2. I am trying to get an emergency visit with an orthopedist so he can evaluate my possibly stress fractured leg. It is an uphill battle.

So more soon :)

The UGLIEST TRUTH!

Oy, I am on post two of the day.
That is weird, since after daily posts I usually take a road trip to two-week hiatus-ville.

So, just a wee update - I edited my Hillary Clinton in the Congo post, because new sh*t has come to light. Not to start any sort of war or fight (LOL)...but it does seem like the translation was correct after all. Until I speak French and can listen to the transcript, I won't know for sure, but a few enlightened souls at the NY Times have seemed to sort it out. And for some reason the suggestion that this was an "empowering" question - well. I can't buy it. Remember though, I am at times a royal pessimist that loses faith in humanity.

ANYWHO.
NOW
THE UGLIEST TRUTH:
M-O-N-E-Y
UGHHHHH.

Now when I was in college I worked for 7.25/hr at the performing arts library, 10 hours a week. Let me tell you, that, was a gold mine. I felt effing RICH to have a bimonthly paycheck burning up my mailbox. I worked hard in the summers and guestimated that about $2500 could hold me throughout the school year: books for two semesters, food here and there, a bit of yarn here and there, a trip to Faces, etc.

Then senior year happened.

Suddenly I had a car on campus, I could DRINK whenever I felt like it. My friend Melu and I discovered that not only way Stop and Shop open 24 hours, but so was Dunkin' Donuts on King Street. We also discovered that the best fast food meal EVER was a Wendy's Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger with McDonald's fries, both attainable into the wee hours on the same strip as Dunkin' and Stop and Shop AND Liquors 44, also open fairly late, til midnight on weekends. Needless to say I got FAT (Captain Morgan spare tire WHAT?!) but I also started spending money like it was my job. As we made our way toward graduation, the expenses started piling up. Cap and gown, unpaid library fines and parking tickets, LIQUOR, about 18 million "final" events: final dinner at Packard's, final ladies night at Packards, "last time" to shop in Northampton, Senior Ball, Senior Banquet, Senior Willing, blah blah BLLLAH. There was also random sh*t like "tank of gas to get to job interview" "tire patch for flat tire" "new shoes and dress for commencement" "dry cleaning ($25 x 2)) for Ivy Day dress." What is a girl on a budget to do?

I introduce you to: Ye Olde Credit Card.

The first one I got was from Defenders of Wildlife. It has wolves on it. It had a great APR and I even got points. Yes POINTS! for spending money! Then I would get stuff for FREE! I started with a low limit, which I thought would mean double protection: now I would not be able to spend beyond my means, the credit card company would keep me on a tight leash. Little did I know that the tight leash would lengthen with time and punctual payments. As I spent and paid, the limit went up up up until.
Yes.
I maxed it out.

Luckily National Geographic thought I had good enough credit for one of their cards. Woohoo! Even lower interest than my first, plus 10% at the positively fantastic National Geographic store! WOWEE! As I paid off the first one, I charged away on "Nat Geo," as I lovingly referred to my lion-bedecked 3 1/2 X 2 evil piece of plastic. By then, I had graduated and even had a decent job. A little bit of spending never hurt, eh?

Then....oh then, there was Amazon. Beloved Amazon, whose website boasts the best selection at the cheapest prices. I initially said "NO" to Amazon's solicitations, but the promise of a $25 gift certificate for every 2500 points accrued on the card proved to be the irresistable siren song. I thought of how I'd buy stuff, pay it off, and still reap the benefits of the pointage/gift certificate system. I charged away....

Now when I started pushing about $10,000 in credit card debt I was downright embarrassed I had let my spending get sooo out of control. I had 3 major credit cards with significant debt, a nearly-maxed Ann Taylor card, the shame of my semi-employment days at Ann Taylor Loft, Victoria's Secret, Dell (new laptop), JCrew, Old Navy AND New York and Company. WTF? I was out of control. And I was going to nip it in the bud, dammit.

So I began to pay them off. The store ones were the first to go. VS, Dell, JCrew, Old Navy, NY&Co all have zero balances. ZERO! ATL carries a small balance that I usually pay off in full, though if I am very bad I will split the payments over two months. Since I don't buy clothes on any sort of regular basis and usually have a binge about 2-3 times a year, I don't feel guilty about this. I was a VICTOR in the store credit card battle! HURRAH!

OH WAIT. I still had about $8,000 lingering. UGH.

I immediately put myself on a credit diet. No using the cards. I wrapped each in hot pink post-it paper, taped it on and wrote "NO" on them. It sooo worked. I used Amazon for Amazon.com purchases which I immediately paid off. I started to pay down the balances. I was triumphant.

But then, just as easily as I started, I quit. I thought "I have this so under control." I quit my regimented paying schedule. I was lax. I missed a few payments here and there simply from being totally disorganized, so I'd pay double the next month to compensate. I was using my debit card to buy stuff though - that was good, right? The problem was, I was buying sh*t at my usual rate, except paying cash. Fantastic in the sense that I could feel the money being spent, but horrible in the sense that after my little buying sprees, there was sh*t left over to pay the bills. Then I got a promotion and 40% raise - and thought "see ya LATAH debt!"

Nope.

I contined in my pattern of slackerness.

I am back to being about $7,000 in the hole right now. Ew.
I hate it. It stresses me out for so many reasons, one being that I have a $400 a month loan payment. Another being that I'm saving $200 a week for the wedding (ha ha figured out how much I make yet?) Then I have cell bill, insurance, storage. After all the money is set aside for that, plus savings, I've got a bit of cash left over. And Jamaal wants me to move in with him and help with rent? With what?

I read recently that one of the five wedding money blunders you DON'T want to make is entering into a marriage carrying unnecessary debt (mortgages and student loans are excused/deemed as "necessary). All I could think was "I don't want to be the deadweight in our marriage!!" and "I want to help pay for the rent and stuff!"

So I went to CNNmoney and used their debt down calculator. I wrote that I wanted to be debt free in 14 months. The ugly truth is that's gonna cost me $574 a month. Combined with the $800 I'm saving for weddings and the $400 I pay for loans, the other calculations I made for other bills, savings, etc there goes my salary pretty much. I really really want to give it a try though. I'm tired of having this craptastic ball and chain around my ankle. I realized it while taking a leak today at work: if it weren't for my credit card debt, I could've afforded to replace my car this year. I was so effing depressed at that thought. So yeah. I'm sick of it, I don't want to be a slave to my plastic anymore, and I'm sharing it with the blogosphere to make it official: I am le done.

Here's my plan (to keep all three of you readers in the know). Feel free to hound me about it when you see me in person! Guilt me into it! I've got to do this!

Allison is puzzled

....as to why New Yorkers put such an enormous effort into their Red Sox hatred. I'm friends with this acquaintance on Facebook (who I'm still working really hard to even like...he's a friend of a friend's husband and I find him...difficult, though more likeable with age). Anyways, EVERY status update has to do with some little foible committed by a Sox player. EVERY DAY. Who has that kind of time?

Now I am an ardent Red Sox fan. I told the Facebook world how I was wearing my Sox thong and it was magical and the Sox would probably break their losing streak because of it (because my underwear has that kind of power, duh). It totally worked! They won! I moved on. This guy though is wrapped up in it. My friend's husband is too to a lesser extent. I dunno. I guess I just don't have the time to invest. Maybe it's just that I don't give a sh*t about the Yankees on a day to day basis. Maybe I should to increase my fan cred. Maybe I should google news the Yanks every day. My status updates could be like "Matsui collects P0RN!" "Sheffield beats his wife!" "Giambi had a fungal infection - gross!" "Posada strengthens his hands with urine!"

Eh. So not worth it, LOL.

Bits and Pieces

I am alone in the office today and have to admit that it is just delightful.

There's something so nice about having a space all to yourself, though I have to admit, since the departure of our swine flu coworker, the reconfiguration of the office, and the desk shift of my one remaining coworker, things have been quite lovely. My coworker E is so quiet, I might as well be in here alone. I do not think she enjoyed swine flu coworker either, as since she left, E has been more talkative and social than ever. We have even designated a shared space for a fish tank! Hurrah!

Here's a view of my desk:

Here's the corner (note the colorectal poster!) where the fish tank will go:

Anyways, so I'm alone here and I got a bit distracted by movie reviews. I saw (500) Days of Summer last night and have to admit that I didn't love it. It was ok. I found Summer insipid. Actually the best character in the whole damn movie was Rachel, one of the main character's middle school-aged sister. She was hilarious! Everyone else. Eh. We went on $5 movie night though, so I can't really complain as it was a cheap enough night out!

I then went on to read more reviews on E!'s website and noticed they gave Julie & Julia a "C." 500 Days got a B- and they give Julie & Julia a "C"? WTF?! It was 10 times more entertaining and hilarious and heartfelt and lovely. I get that it might not be everyone's cup of tea, but the critic wrote how it was boring, how Julia Child was boring, how Julie Powell didn't really achieve anything by cooking all those recipes. Agh! Of course this was just one reviewer and I never pay attention to reviews because I usually like movies that get C's and D's anyway. Seriously though - how could you find Julia Child boring? She was fascinating. On commenter wrote "Thanks E!, now I know to see you C-rated movies instead of your A ones, as I Love You, Beth Cooper was a disaster and Julie & Julia delightful." Wow. Special.

My sister and I decided to have omelettes in Julia's honor on Saturday. We saw her cooking some on PBS and were fascinated by the speed of the whole process. Also, when she put the filling in the middle of the eggs, she shook the pan maybe three times and then Voila! She had an omelette that just slid off the pan. We were determined to emulate this pan shaking style, but the results were not quite the same. I ended up surrendering and simply used a rubber spatula to flip one side of the omelette on top of the other. I have to admit though that I would love to learn her technique. Not only is faster, but it looks impressive.

Actually, I have some rare free time this weekend and think cooking would be an excellent way to fill the time (as long as it's not too hot). There's such a bounty of locally grown fruits and vegetables available out there that I should really capitalize on the nearness of Boston's farmer's markets and get out there and buy some stuff. I am overrun with mason jars (yes they are supposed to be used for the wedding!) and would love to try my hand at canning or making some jam. Hmmm....though these are the projects that I always think will take a neat 2 hour block I've set aside and then 8 hours later when I've been on my feet all day on the ceramic tiled kitchen floor and my back hurts and my sciatica hurts I question my sanity at undertaking these ridiculous endeavors. Maybe I should just make a pie.

Speaking of weekend and free time, this weekend must have some time dedicated to wedding junk. You see that little time ticker up there? In a mere EIGHT weeks it's going to start ticking down. The little lovebirds are going to begin their rightward migration. We'll officially be working off our to do list. WOW. That however makes it necessary to have certain things established before the ticker starts a-movin'. For example, I say I'm making save the dates, but I have to be sure that I can actually do that before I sit down in 6 months and realize that I just should've paid someone. Plus it's good to buy any DIY supplies over time. This makes it much less likely that I have to dip into the wedding fund to buy stuff - Jamaal insists that I do take from our wedding cash to buy ANYTHING wedding related, but honestly, I'm not going to take out some random sh*t like $11.78 to cover glue, tape and a rubber stamp. Bwahahah. I actually have JUST the wedding project in mind. More later.

I also have to run this weekend - have I mentioned that I have a screw loose in my head and am training for the Portland ME half marathon? And that this is hopefully a prelude to my Boston Marathon debut? Yeah. Insane. I used to be a legit runner. I wasn't great and it didn't come naturally or even easily, but in high school I ran miles in the 7's and was what you would probably call "average." What I did not realize then was that about a decade later I would KILL to run miles in the 7's. Seriously! When I ran the half marathon in '06 (random aside: it is so funny when people ask how long a half marathon or a full marathon is if it's in a different city. I want to be like "well marathons and halfs are standard: 26.2, 13.1. But people don't seem to get this). Anyway, when I ran in '06 I did about 11 minute miles - 10.9 minute miles to be exact. Trust me, I was FINE with this. I was running for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, but had trained on my own given the fact that training runs were held at like, 7pm on weeknights. Sorry, but I head home around 4pm people. I noticed (very SMUGLY) while running that I was ahead of most of the L&L Society people, so that was good enough for me. This year I won't have a charity shirt to hide behind - 'cause when you run for a charity people are like 'oh look at that girl, running so hard for pediatric cancer/parkinson's research/to save the whales/to save darfur/to feed starving ethiopian children.' When you take the charity bit away, you just become the slow girl. I don't want to be the slow girl! I don't need to be the fast girl, but I would love to be the fantastically average girl. This has led me to purchase a new girly timex (pink - who would have guessed that I would suddenly like pink and that this like would be almost exclusively based in the sports world - pink watch, pink sneakers, pink kayak - weird) and time my runs. I fully admit - I have never pushed myself when running on my own. Never. But therein lies the problem. No one has ever given me a reason to go faster - there's no one around to do that anyway. My motivation had to come from within, which was going to be a big hill to climb as usually around mile 1 I am ready to call it quits and walk home. The girly timex has proved to be just the thing. Every run is a battle against the watch. I am to run my runs around 11 minute miles in hopes that my speed improves and I can run sub 10's in October. I life weights and exercise my core, hoping to build strength throughout my body that will help carry me the 13 miles. I take glucosamine and chondritin for my aging knees. I feel H-A-R-D-C-O-R-E.

Of course, this hardcoreness has only been happening for about a week. There's always room for me to slip up, LOL.

Finally, knitting. I totally started Lizard Ridge and am smitten. I've had to limit myself to train knitting only because the squares knit up so fast - I totally see myself become so involved that the infamous bridesmaid shawls get pushed by the wayside and don't get finished in time. Though I've self-limited to train knitting, I've already finished one square and am halfway done with the second. My next task is to figure out whether I want to do a bunch of different yarns or pick just 5 or 6 colors and keep the entire afghan in the same color family. I thought I wanted a wacky one with about 15 or 18 different colors but I am starting to lean towards the color family idea, as Noro Kureyon is such a colorful yarn already. Here's a little preview:Since tomorrow is pay day and student loans aren't due for two weeks, I might be a bit self-indulgent and order the rest of the yarn I need for the afghan. We'll have to see :)

Well that wasn't too spicy, but I'm working on some spice (more pics would help I think). That's all for now!

Go Hillary Go!

Now if we harken back to election time, we all remember I am not exactly a fan of Hillary Clinton. Her campaign methods made me shudder, I found her personality grating, and I wasn't sure if I could trust her. There was just something I didn't really like about her. Of course I am totally biased in my Obama love, and my Smith love (Hillary went to rival Wellesley).

Then when she got the Sec. of State position I thought "huh. Now she might be the perfect person for that job."

And I do think she's doing well.

Recently, while in the Congo (and honestly, let's give her props for even setting foot in Kinshasa) someone asked her what her husband thoughts were on a political issue - I believe it was a loan to the Congo. She reacted and said that she wasn't going to channel her husband. Now there are all these snarky comments about how "Hillary lost her temper" "Hillary lost her cool" "hell hath no fury" blah blah blah blah blah.

I ask you this: do people ask Bill what Hill thinks?

Do people ask Barack what Michelle thinks?

Oh hell no. You know that does NOT happen.

So in my opinion, Hillary's reaction was more than fitting. Actually I probably could not have held my sh*t together as well as she did, because when I heard the transcript I actually said "What the F*CK?" The local radio said the question was translated from the french and that perhaps something was "lost" in translation. Uh oh I'm sorry, is it not easy to translate "what does your husband think?"
Agh. The misogyny of it all.

This is actually where my rant is going to stop. Why? Because Natalie Holder-Winfield at the Huffington Post sums it up with much more eloquence.

After this, I think I'm starting to become a fan of Hillary. Do NOT let the bastards get you down, lady. You ARE the Secretary of State, dammit, and don't let anyone else convince you otherwise, or suggest that Bill is feeding you everything you need to do your job!

Ha. Can't believe I'm becoming a Hillary fan. Oh well.

**read this: http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/08/13/was-hillary-clintons-answer-in-congo-the-right-one/?hp

I think there's still more to this than simple mistranslation. I think there are a lot of different perspectives working here, but right now, I think this particular post in the nytimes blogosphere might have to most accurate representation of what happened. I respect your defense of the Congolese student, EE, but I do not think this was an empowering question by any means. I think he probably wanted to cover his ass after Hil's reaction though.**

Spice

I went to see Julie & Julia over the weekend.
It was FANTABULOUS.
As I expected. Or actually, better than I expected, and let me tell you, I had HIGH expectations.

Later, out on the sidewalk, we were all talking about cooking classes and blogs and life, etc. My friend EE said "Allison writes a hilarious blog!"

Hmmphh.

I think I write a boring, complainy, self-indulgent blog.

Though I appreciate the compliment :)

After that all I could think was "I want to have an exciting spicy and funny blog!"

I really do.
So I'm going to work on that.

BUT - I have to leave work early today and have the most raging case of seasonal (August? seriously?) allergies happening and can't focus too well on spice.

The spice is coming though. I hope. I promise ;)

You Know You Work at a Cancer Center When....

......you use a poster of colons and rectums to cover up an unsightly patch on the wall.

Luckily I am about to order a lovely three gallon fish tank from Doctors Foster and Smith in about five minutes. The staging poster does give off a certain air though...

Style-tastic

Since getting engaged a looong time ago (ok about...17 months ago) I have been avoiding buying too many household things.

Don't worry - I've been compensating by buying other random sh*t...

But, I have totally been avoiding things like sheets, towels, organizational things, furniture, etc, because I've been anticipating sharing a home with the man for a while now.
Of course it is taking a WHILE for him to secure a job up here. This actually isn't that big of a deal because I know he'll be up here eventually, I like my space, blah blah blah. As time goes on though, I am able to concoct more and more a ridiculous fantasy of our living space in my head.

We plan on securing an apartment. I've been to some of these new-fangled apartment complexes and will say, they are fantastic. A friend moved into a 2-bedroom, close to the T (correction: free shuttle to the T), pool, tennis courts, parking, garage, en suite laundry, etc. It's beautiful. But it's also too modern for me, almost chilly. I'm not sure what will tickle Jam's fancy, but I have to admit, I love the apartments by my grandma's old place, in the Merrymount section of Quincy because they are older and full of character (tried to post a pic but the only one I could find from the area was a housefire!!). I love the apts in JP for the same reason. Old! Details! Character!

Soo I go ahead and imagine myself in an older (but fabulous) space and begin to mentally decorate. I'm unclear on what exactly Jam will be bringing to the table, or apartment, I should say, but I think it will mostly be his stuff, because no offense if you're reading this love, but I do not adore your black lacquer furniture. There it is. Anywho, the space would have to be amenable to the meshing of our respective tastes. There'd need to be the ability to make our eclectic collection of junk look planned and hip....my inherited curio cabinet must go with my Maasai marriage necklaces and look cool....

Eh. Deep down, I am sure it will look jumbled.

I'm not sure what brought on this weird nesting urge. Probably looking at the Anthropologie website for too long,

or a recent visit to a friend's fabulous apartment where she was showing off her crafting space *heaves sigh of jealousy*. Maybe it's the new found space we've created in my office - in response to this spring's swine flu outbreak - and the space I now need to fill with something that is spurring me to think about our future home. Or perhaps it's the afghan I want to knit that really embodies the style I want to go after, wild, ecletic, but with a an ordered theme and pattern:

I once told Jamaal I wanted a "global bazaar" home. He was all "what the HELL is that?" and I said "It's a house superbly decorated with all the handicrafts we've purchased throughout our world travels." He just said OK and looked at me as though I was insane. A girl can dream though, right?!

Gah, I should get away from all this pointlessness and do some real work. Put my anthropologie fantasies on hold. It's payday though, and I must admit the hippo candle calls to me. heh.

Hiatus

Yikes!

I just realized I took a two week blogging hiatus. Totally unintentional, but the few who read are probably glad I stopped whining for a while, LOL.

Hmmm what have I been doing?
We-ell, I've been playing hard during the week so I can play on the weekends.

I spent the last weekend in July in NH with family. That was great fun and very relaxing. Some of the activities included knitting, cross stitching, kayaking, bird watching (when not chased by the neighbor's foul dog), and card playing. Oh, we also ate a lot and spent 13 hours putting together a 1,000 piece puzzle. Yes, we can entertain ourselves when it's raining outside!

Our little cottage on an island in the middle of a big lake is rustic and cozy. It's comfortable. I've been going there since I was two weeks old (though my mother told me that like my sister, I too had visited as a fetus, ha ha ha. I hope one of the old biddies asks me again one day how long I've been coming up to the island, just so I can say "since I was a fetus. BEAT YA!"). I am content to stay put in our one spot on Bear Island the whole weekend. For the first time this summer though, I had the urge to move off and explore in my kayak. There are so many little islands here and there (253 apparently) waiting to be explored. The rain kept me from truly exploring the last time I was there, but we're planning a bit of an extended trip in August, so maybe then I can truly head out into the lake. Last time I only paddled to East Bear Island, which is on the map below, beautifully altered by me in MS Paint:

This past weekend was spent in NYC to celebrate the birthdays of my favorite Leo's, the fiance and the sister. We indulged in a hotel for the weekend and it was such a treat, mainly because we were able to avoid the long trek back to Brooklyn, which after a 7 1/2 hour bus ride (the most horrendous inexplicable traffic I've ever seen EXCEPT for the time I drove to Freehold NJ in the midst of Yankees game traffic and it took me 12 hours) was a godsend. We had dinner and literally passed out, but hauled ass around Manhattan the following day, covering a chunk of Central Park, the Central Park Zoo and Fifth Avenue - Jam even made us go into Tiffany's, which was a special treat. I really wanted to see his wedding gift from me in person, but it wasn't around and I couldn't exactly ask with him there. Maybe when we head down in November I'll snatch it up, depending on the budget :)

Saturday night we partied at Mixx Lounge, which was fun, especially when the DJ showed up!! I think I drank six mojitos. This is what my doctor never understands when I go to yearly physicals. I tell her that I have about 30 drinks a year. She says "so about two to three a month?" and I say, no more like six drinks at five large parties dispersed throughout the year. She just shakes her head. The thing of it is, when I'm up dancing (and sweating) like I was on Saturday night, I don't even feel it! I did wake up a bit squidgy Saturday morning, but I think that more than anything, it had to do with dehydration and lack of sleep. Oh I'm getting old. But not as old as my 32-year old fiance. Heh heh heh.

Sunday morning was not as kind to Amy who did NOT get much sleep at all. We were packing up in the Embassy Suites when we came to the collective decision that God (and Chase) gave a girl a credit card for a reason: to take the Acela back to Boston in case of hangover. Yes indeed. This bought us not only significant comfort for the ride home, but also an extra hour in the city for brunching and buying magazines and books. Hurrah! After brunching it at the Tick Tock Diner (highly recommended for hangover food!! brioche french toast, yum yum!) we headed to Penn. I cannot be controlled at the Penn Station Hudson News. Everytime I go there, I spend so much frickin' money that I get a free bag. Seriously. It starts innocently with a bottle of water and pack of gum, followed by a couple of magazines....then it expands to three magazines....then I hit up the paperback section. That's where the trouble really starts. I was casually browsing and saw The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society. I've READ IT. "Ohhhh" I sigh "I just loved this. It's the perfect summer read and re-read" I snatch it. Then the name "Kate Furnivall" catches my eye. "Wait" I say alound (thank goodness my sister was traveling with me because normally I just look like a crazy person talking to myself) "She has another....wait...it's about....ohmygod...it's the SEQUEL! And it's the ONLY ONE LEFT!" So off the shelf flies The Girl from Junchow into my hot little hands. Two books in one go? That is a record for a library wh*re like me! The good thing is that I know books are an excellent investment :) We don't have to talk about the fact I actually had two unread books in my bag. Heh.

So to shift gears a bit (we got home to Boston safely, blah blah): The Girl from Junchow. Yes. I did not realize how much I enjoyed The Russian Concubine until I saw there was a sequel. Then I realized that I had fallen in love with Lydia and Chang Lo and their stories. Gah. I am usually not ridiculous about book characters and it has been a while since I've felt so strongly about a pair of them -I snuck reading at work just to finish the book and discover their fate, then lamented that the book ended and a sequel is not securely in the future (though a visit to the author's blog revealed a prequel, which is great). Anyways, I can pretty much list on one hand the characters to which I have a deep bond. I mean there are always those that I like and enjoy, but "bond"? Yeah that's not the norm for me. Lydia and Chang Lo have officially joined the elite status of "Characters Allison likes so much she will reread the books in which they appear year after year after year" the list includes: Mma Ramotswe and Mr. JLB Matekoni of No. Ladies Detective Agency fame, Leah and Anatole from The Poisonwood Bible, Griffin and Sabine - who are still such a mystery to me, Henry and Clare from The Time Traveler's Wife, and of course, Eliza and Tao Chi'en from Daughter of Fortune. Of course there are others whose stories I read and reread, but these are the favorites. Yes, they're not exactly literary classics, but they're the stories I find captivating. Lydia and Chang Lo are in good company I think.

It's interesting to me that several of these pairs face a common roadblock, which is the issue of their interracial-ness. I wonder if I have a special sort of empathy for these couples, or find a certain deliciousness in their rejection of society's "expectations" or in these literary cases, practically society's laws about being together. I loved most of them long before I ever met Jamaal and found myself ready to marry outside my race, but it's interesting to me that I find them so appealing, so willing to sacrifice for love, so willing to cast aside what the world may think of them. It sounds a bit cheesy, but there it is - I love the dangerous edge of it all too. I think it must be my personality. Sometimes I say to Jam "what if we had met 150 years ago - we couldn't have been together!!" He always always laughs and says "Oh I am sure you would've found a way." Then I say "I hope I would've lived in Massachusetts where slavery was illegal and had been an abolitionist and independent-thinking feminist who would've rejected all the rules of society and marriage and expectations to be with you!" Again, he laughs at the ridiculousness of it all but always reassures me that we would've ended up together. Maybe he's just appeasing me, but I know him well enough to believe that he wouldn't tell me these things unless he thought they were true.

Well what a digression. I'm afraid its time to go back to work.

I think I caught some hideous cold in NYC or on Amtrak and feel just rotten :( We'll see what tomorrow brings. Maybe a long run will clear my sinuses, LOL.

Trite

I am into short angsty posts this week lol.

A friend from Girl Scout camp is getting married next month. She posted on Facebook something to the effect of "43 days til the wedding! ah!"

I reply "blah blah blah can't believe you're getting married blah blah hope it's not too stressful"
someone else replies "breathe"

Now a word of advice to anyone who might be in a situation where a friend is getting married. DO NOT TELL THEM TO BREATHE! Not only is it trite, but also idiotic. I would be like "I am breathing asshat, I have to to stay alive."

I am a stressful person. I thrive under pressure and when it comes to throwing an event, my best work happens when I am stressed. I accept this and am ok with it. So I plan to be pretty intense when it comes to wedding planning. And NO ONE better tell me to breathe. NOOOO no no. You CAN however, offer to cut and paste things and lick envelopes and make tissue paper flowers. Now THAT sh*t is constructive.

PSA/Vent of the day over.

Is it wrong??

...That I take mild delight in my coworker's hatred of my noisy eating and drinking?
..and that I hated noisy eating and drinking too 'til I found out how much my coworker disliked it and then tried to be noisier?

It is probably wrong.
But then again SHE came to work with swine flu.
It's not like my noise is contagious.

Tee hee.

Quick Update

1. Jamaal and I hashed out wedding stuff. He told me that he would like a prospectus. I typed one, broken down month by month til four days before the wedding (where its broken down by day). He hasn't seen it yet, but I told him I made a seven page wedding plan, color coded broken down into excruciating detail and he was.....happy. Can you believe it? He was like "nice, this is what I need!" The whole time I thought he didn't want the details! This was a lesson in communication. Oh and how we should really live together soon so we can talk on a more regular basis, lol. I see him tomorrow though, so YAY!

2. I planned a NYC bday weekend for my sister and Jam. It is going to rock and I am very excitedface.

3. I went kayaking yesterday...I think my dad and I have "discovered" one of the best places in the whole damn world to kayak. I'm in love with it.

4. My job is slipping through my fingers. I am completely losing my controlling grip. This is ever so slightly alarming. Of course part of it is not my fault at all, which is a mild satisfaction, though the part of it that's not my fault impacts me anyways since the company I work for is withholding money from the hospital until it's fix....but then again, I'm not paid the salary they're withholding either. That should go to the person who takes my old job...which has not been filled. Which then makes me wonder why I'm not getting paid more, since I'm working two jobs. UGH.

5. I am going to NH next week. I am living for Thursday the 23rd when I am FREE.

6. I want to take a photography class. I can't photograph for sh*t with my doubler and forgot all the crap about lighting I learned with the film camera I used to rock.

7. I have been running a lot since May and still weigh exactly the same. How is this possible? How can I explain this to my doctor, who's always like "I wish you would lose just 10lbs" If I still way the same in March when I see her, I'm not sure I'll even convince her that I'm marathon training. Which leads me to believe that dr's scales should have the ability to sort out your weight according to what is fat, muscle, bone, fluid, etc. The end.

8. I am reading another stupid book. That's two in a row. In both cases the women had published quite profusely in the past. I swear I don't know how. The first book was just plain dumb and predictable, the one I'm reading now is chopped up and has basically no character development whatsoever. At least in the first book I cared about the characters to a mild extent. In this second one, I could not care LESS. I think I'll read Green Collar Economy next, get a little non-fiction in there...

9. I have nothing interesting left to say. Therefore I'm cutting myself off before #10. The end.

Venting for just a SECOND

I am the "South Shore Liaison" for my local alumnae club.

My responsibilities total TWO:

1. have a gathering in the spring

2. hold the South Shore Sendoff in July/August.

There is this admissions volunteer in the South Shore area who thinks that it is her job to do this. So last year she flips her SH*T about me planning it. So I invite her to do it jointly and she completely dropped the ball - in a way that was nearly a problematic level of embarrassing. Luckily I managed to cover my ass and pulled off the event a-ok. And I was NOT shy about saying that this other woman disappointed me greatly.

This year I handle everything on my own, wade my way through a dumb evite snafu blah blah blah. I checked my email via phone and saw that this woman had RSVP'd "no." Yes! I thought. Today I open Evite to see "I was planning on holding this event in Duxbury in August for people who want to go." Stupid effing TW@T! Not only is she still on this "it's my job thing" but now she's pirating my evite, because she has nnooooo clue how to pull off the event. She has no contacts at my school and because she's not affliated with our club, she can't get the info.

I shouldn't let it bother me because people are so not going to remember this in a month. But it's irritating...and I've suggested that she take my position on the board when my term is up - I don't intend to be living on the South Shore anymore/much longer than my term expiration in February, but what I get everytime is a toss of the head and an "I'm busy, I'm a lawyer."

Well I am BUSY and a PROJECT MANAGER but I made time to fulfill my responsibilities.

GRRR.

Oh well. I have to be happy with the satisfaction that the whole alumnae club board knows she's an issue. Still it's annoying to feel as though the carpet is going to pulled from under your feet any second...

OK vent over!

In happier news, I got in the pool for the first time all summer and it was glorious!

Also, a friend confided in me and my sister and cousin that she thought her OWN sister was "a weirdo" something we have known for years. The hilarity that ensued was priceless.

That's been my weekend, and it wasn't too shabby :D

P EFFING S

I moved the birds to the top.
For inspiration.
And cause they're so dang cute.
1-2-3 AWWWW

The Pot or The Kettle?

I love my dad. A bajillion times ten. He's my buddy and has been since I was little.

BUT

There is one thing about his personality that drives all of us girls INSANE -one second he's on a high, and you say one thing to topple him the teensiest bit, one joke that went too far or was misinterpreted, one comment that came out sounding a bit too harsh and he plummets to rock bottom. My sister and I were bemoaning this fact over dishes last night. "What set him off?" we wondered. "Why does he do this?" "It pisses me off!!" I said..

THEN

Later that night I'm talking to Jam. Haven't talked to him in over a day, which considering we email at least once a day and talk once a night, is a lot for us. We exchange pleasantries, I get all excited about the 15th months til our wedding, ready to tell him about the progress I made yesterday on churches, invites, decorating ideas and even a rehearsal lunch/dinner when he says "Oh yeah, that website, by the way, my family will not want their names on it."

Huh?

My sister has been designing a fantastic wedding website mock-ups. It's nowhere on the internet, just for clarification, and she asked for his family's last names in an email. Now as someone who gets privacy and the internets, I know that we can really limit the people who see this site - and seriously, will the guests not know Jam's family's last names? On the other hand, I guess I "get" it. I guess they want privacy. I am still kind of mystified who/what they want privacy from but then again, I air my laundry out on a somewhat anonymous but detail-oriented blog, so how am I to know/judge. I tell my sister, she takes care of it. Even though this thing is still in its infant stages. But may as well nip it in the bud before there's drama, because one of the 'maids might've freaked too. Basically we didn't think about this, Jam called us out. FINE.

What bothered me so much was the high I was on was completely destroyed. Gone. I didn't even want to talk to him anymore. Was it because he asked me to change that stuff? No. It was because I barely got a word in edgewise before something critical came out of his mouth. It kind of makes you not want to discuss your other plans, you know? Plus Jamaal is at a point in school where I feel as though he'll snap if I mention one more wedding thing. Hell, I get sick of talking about it sometimes. I want it to be simple, but I also want it to go smoothly and enjoy the day, thus this planning ahead. I feel like I'm doing it entirely alone though (as opposed to with my fiance - my friends and family are awesome helpers, but it would be nice to have the FI involved) and when I do this stuff all I can think is that Jamaal doesn't really care at all and that I shouldn't even bother. But then I think "no, I'm doing this for me, for my own satisfaction because I want things to be beautiful and memorable" which is entirely true. It just sucks that I get negative feedback without any positive and that any wedding-oriented discussion seems like a burden.

Oh well.

After we hung up, I started to cry.
THEN I realized - I AM my Dad. Like the spitting freakin' image.
I groaned at the thought of this, because it was so true. F*ck.
Then I got over it and went to sleep. At this point nothing is worth that much feeling.
10 months down the road and we find ourselves at this point, THEN we need to have a discussion about whether this is even worth it. Hopefully it won't come to that. Because if I have to listen to anymore "This is why we eloped" or "this is why we did xyz at our wedding" or "I knew this would happen to you" I will FLIP OUT! I am doing what I want and liking it - I just have to get the other half on board. Boo effing hoo.
UGH.

Wedding Counter Thingamabob

I added a wedding ticker to the bottom of my blog!

Too bad the only reasons I'm so excited about it is the fact that it's colorful and has birds.
Oh well. LOL.

Back to work I go!

Books again

I'm flying through books these days.
I guess because I gave myself a break from the ridiculously intense non-fiction I had out from the library. It really was a bit much!

I finished The Julie/Julia Project. I am in awe of Julie Powell and her commitment to "the project." If only I had known about her blog when it was happening! Of course those were the days filled with piping plover monitoring and sanctuary keeping, and I was stuck in my only little world of intense happiness and intense reverse-homesickness, so it probably wouldn't have been as striking as reading the book now.

When I got to the end, the part where Julie talks about getting a phone call from her mom, telling her Julia Child passed away, I sort of had the same reaction. Julie says something to the effect of "I didn't know her personally, etc" and then "I sat down at my desk and cried" I read that sentence and thought "well of course, you had lived with this woman's recipes for a whole year, of course there would be an emotional pull." I sat on the green line and contemplated for a second, then felt myself filling up (what is up with the emotions these days? Someone said "Dude you're pregnant." Not to overshare or anything, but I said "Dude, not humanly possible, lady business happening right now." LOL. Nevermind the lack of sexytime in my life!) ANYWHO I felt myself filling up because at that moment I realized I DID have a sort of loose connection to Julia. I'd met her! Plus Rachel and I had lived in one alleged, maybe even TWO of her dorm rooms at Hubbard House, via my calculation based upon the old room numbers listed on the circuit breaker box (which I opened with a knife stolen from the kitchen) and the various archives/historical presentations on Smith's website. Of course anything historically Smith seems embedded in rumor (ie location of Sylvia Plath's dorm room, why Helen Hills Hills Chapel has two Hills....no she didn't marry her cousin, it was random and weird coincidence she married another Hills). But we do know she lived in Hubbard for sure. Oh and the time I met her, I waited in long line in the President's garden, with nothing for her to sign. All I wanted to do was to tell her I lived in her old room at the Hub. I waited with a fellow member of the improv comedy group the SIKOS and just as it was our turn to greet the much-celebrated alum, she grumbled "no more, I have to go." I think we all sank a little. Then as she stood, leaning heavily on a cane, she reached out and touched my friend's shirt, right on the boob and said "Oh. Your shrit says Liberty Cafe. Is that still in Philadelphia?!" How Alyson managed to close her mouth and reopen it to give a coherent answer with Julia Child's hand resting on her left bosom is BEYOND me, but it is something I will never EVER forget. As Julia walked one way (towards King-Scales no doubt, where she always ate on campus, shafting her Hubbard roots, which I can't understand, since I once saw our cook grease a cookie sheet for chicken with an entire pound of butter, very Julia-esque) and we departed towards center campus, we were all silent, until Alyson shrieked "JULIA CHILD TOUCHED MY BOOB! AHHHH!" "That was awesome," I concluded. Oh it was.

Next up in book discussions is Life List, a fantastic biography of Phoebe Snetsinger. Snetsinger, at the time of her death, had seen more birds than any person in the world. It was an obsession for her, and one that, in my personal opinion (well and factually I think) led her to encounter some terribly dangerous situations - the death of her birding friend due to altitude sickness, her attack and rape in Papua New Guinea, and ultimately her death in Madagascar. I thought I would complete this book and think "what a crazy insane lady" but I finished it feeling much much more sympathetic and understanding. Would it be my choice? No, absolutely not. But do I love birds enough to understand her drive? Yes, I really do. Were I a single lady, or say, in her situation, a 50's housewife, highly educated and intelligent yet expected to stay home with 4 kids, would I have pursued a similar path? Maybe. Maybe that's why I turned out sympathetic instead of judgey.

I don't keep a life list, like Phoebe. And I don't go to places hell-bent on seeing certain birds. I do buy field guides to any new destination though. I do read through them ahead of time and try and learn as many birds as I can. I did go to Kenya hoping to see a turaco, and lord knows however many other birds. I probably missed some (though the turaco erases the ones I missed with its shear awesomeness). I did go to Costa Rica praying, quite literally, to see a quetzal, a mot-mot, and a trogon. I saw only the quetzal, but did that sighting, as well as a hummingbird sitting on my hand to feed completely undo the failed other sightings? Hells yes. So in that I am very un-Phoebe, though I still can't sufficiently express my admiration for her drive and determination, and also, her efforts in conservation. Sort of in her honor, I am going to start a life list. Luckily I mark all the birds I've seen, with dates and locations, in my field guides, so that won't be too hard. I don't know whether I've seen 200 birds or 500 birds in my lifetime, but I know that when I leave this world, I won't be leaving with the regret of never having seen a shoebill. I realized that in my reading of Life List, and I have to admit that coming to that realization was only a good thing.

Finally Commencement. Oh where do I start. I tried to go into this with no expectations. Now this is the book written by a Smith alum, set in part on the Smith campus. Hmmm. I noticed an error on the first page, and that seemed an ominous sign. The Alumnae Quarterly never ever ever ever publishes engagements and never announces births or weddings until AFTER they've taken place, for reasons you can well imagine. I thought "really, this big of a flaw, on the first page?" Then I had to tell myself to let it the f*ck go because 99% of the people reading the book did not go to Smith and out of the 1% of people who did .99 of them do not give a crackling sh*t about stuff like that. So I shook it off and read on. I love love LOVE the connection J. Courtney Sullivan creates between her characters, the close bond they feel as students. I hate hate HATE the stereotypes she creates and emphasizes in the book. I'm guessing the author was a delicate "Quad Bunny" when she refers to Green Street as the "vegan/lesbian/armpit hair" area of campus. I kind of freaked the f*ck out when I read that....I'm not sure why I felt the level of anger I did, because usually I'm great at shaking off Smith stereotypes (ie tons of lesbians, gay for four years, never meet a guy, no one shaves, everyone is "radical" blah blah blah). I guess coming from an internal source it pissed me the hell off. Why? Because I knew people who were none, one, two, or all three of those things, and that was just in my house. And I knew people who were none, one, two or three of those things who lived all over campus. I am none, and out of my three closest Hubbard friends, the other two are none, and one is one of those things. So where the f*ck does she get off perpetuating that stereotype? Furthermore, there was and is something super-catty about some of the stereotypes she talks about. I think the author does a great job with some of the issues, such as the character who comes to Smith engaged and graduates with a girlfriend, she measures the reactions of friends and family and deals with what it's like on "the outside" but some of her snarky reference annoy me. Not because they're not true (ok except the vegan/lesbian/armpit hair thing. I know I'm dwelling but that went riiight up my butt) but it's the snide way they're delivered like "she didn't want to become one of those girls watching TV with their pant unbuttoned oblivious to the rolls of fat..." and referring the the house president as a girl that looked like a middle-aged man with her belly hanging over her pants, sticking out from her white undershirt. Snark snark snark. Sorry Quad Bunny, your book was almost fantastic....

oh snap! lol. some lines are utterly perfect though and I'll share later, when I'm not at work!